This is the piece of paper our guide gave me to show people Sarah was my newly adopted daughter. It basically says I just adopted her and I love her but she does not like me. We had to show it many times in Shanghai.That was one of the lowest moments of my life! Unfortunately I would probably still need to show it to people if I was alone with her in China. I think she is a little sick. It is bed time. She has a small fever. Her throat is sore and sounds really horse. She is crying for Juergen. She will not even accept a cup of water from me. He must leave the house at 8am tomorrow morning. I am going to try hard not to take her rejection personally, but what do I do when she is sick and will not let me care for her? I also have Jessica tomorrow. I can not say I am looking forward to tomorrow! I'm sorry for our little sweetheart if she will not receive my care. I will once again be all she has. I hope she at least feels healthy in the morning.

I Am A Servant
I am a servant, I am listening for my name
I sit here waiting I've been looking at the game
That I've been playing and I've been staying much the same
When you are lonely you're the only one to blame

I am a servant, I am waiting for Your call
I've been unfaithful so I sit here in the hall
How can You use me when I've never given all
How can You choose me when You know I quickly fall

So You feed my soul and you make me whole
And you let me know You love me
And I'm worthless now but I've made a vow
I will humbly bow before You
Oh please use me, I am lonely

I am a servant, getting ready for my part
There's been a change, a rearrangement in my heart
At last I'm learning there's no returning once I start
To live's a privilege, to love is such an art
But I need Your help to start
Oh please purify my heart
I am Your servant
©Larry Norman
Words and Music by Larry Norman

We had a totally wonderful lunch with our good friends Katrin and Peter and their beautiful daughter Emma. It was kind of funny because they read my blog all the time. I hardly had to tell them how I was doing, they knew! And it was like they already knew Sarah as well. They gave her a really beautiful gift of children’s dishes. It is also a gift from my good friend Patricia...so thank you Patricia! The dishes are really cute. I think I'll hang the plate on my wall! I'm almost afraid to let Sarah use them because they are made of glass, and so nice!!! I told Katrin about my theory of no longer riding the roller coaster of Sarah’s emotions. Trying not to care so much what Sarah thinks of me! I don't know how I will do this, but I do know I must do this. I can not control how my little girl is going to treat me, or feel about me. I hope she learns to love and accept me. I can not make this happen! I do need to realize I am worth something even if she rejects me! The hanging on every smile, hoping for any sign of warmth has got to stop! I can make sure I am worth loving…but I can not make her love me!

I've had another really hard morning. Juergen has taken the kids to church (including Sarah). We take turns taking the kids to church each week. It would be really nice to be able to attend together, but there are no programs for our autistic daughter Jessica. When we lived in the USA we attended a pretty large church. There was a very wonderful woman who took care of Jessica every Sunday so Juergen and I could be in church together. That was great. Our church is pretty large by German standards, but there are no programs for the disabled. Any way, I am home. I had a hard morning of rejection. Juergen had on a nice shirt. I'm sure Sarah thought he was going away. She clung to him, and rejected me. I could not stand to look at her, because it's so painful to see her eyes so filled with fear and rejection. I'm beginning to realize how much I'm basing my self worth on Sarah’s moods. If she is nice to me I'm happy, and if she is mean to me I get depressed. I did not adopt this child to feel good about myself! I felt good about myself before I adopted her! I have a husband, and children, family and friends that love me! My God loves me! As much as I desire Sarah’s love and approval, I have no control over this. I need to find a way to disconnect myself from her ups and downs. This has been a nightmare ride! I hate it! I don't need it! I have to find a way to stop caring about what she thinks of me. How do I do this? This is the million dollar question. How?

I'm sitting across from Juergen. He has a stack of paperwork to work through. Sarah does not give him much space to breath when she is awake. The day has gone by OK, but I'm actually discouraged. I feel like I lost ground with Sarah. I have to work so hard to get any attention from her when Juergen is around. I feel like a sad lonely beggar who has pounded the pavement all day, and only has a few small crumbs to show for it. So here we are, Juergen over loved and me under appreciated. We are both tired. I'm having a pity party, and Juergen is driven to finish his "to do" list. That old familiar feeling of nausea is back in my stomach. I want to relax, but I am really sad that she makes me work so hard for her trust, and affection. She gives it away so freely to Juergen, and I have to beg for every small piece. It is probably just my pride that is taking a beating here! What would it do to your ego to watch your most wanted daughter saying "papa, papa" all day long...and you are just the maid? I should not base too much on my present feelings. Please just tell me the tide is going to change...this too will pass!!! I probably just need to sleep. Maybe Sarah does not really love me or appreciate me…but the game is not over. I am only asking to be one of the most important and influential people in her whole life. Juergen got his role given to him, but she has made it very clear I’m going to have to work for my position in her life. She is not giving anything to me for free!

from today...

We have had a nearly normal Saturday morning. We got some yard work done. My plants are all dried out because it has not rained the whole month of April. I need to replant a few things. We put in a fig tree. I felt like God told me Jessica is like a fig tree. I hope it means she is dearly loved and will be fruitful like the nation of Israel. I wanted to plant a fig tree last year but they were too expensive. I found this tree for a very good price and said "It is mine"!!! We finally have rain clouds in the sky, so I hope the tree will do fine!
I took Jessica and Nicole shopping. We went to a flee market. I found a toy kitchen for Sarah. She is pretty jazzed!!! Jessica got 11 videos (Richard Scary, Disney, and Veggie Tales). She loves videos. She is also very happy with this mornings shopping "finds"!
I am taking Philip, Thomas, and Nicole to see the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. Sarah has to take a nap. She is following Juergen around allot today, but has also been pretty warm towards me. Thomas is pretty moody, but maybe that is "normal" behavior for a 9 year old boy (he will be 10 in September). He seems to be riding an emotional roller coaster. One minute he is wonderful and the next minute he is a real jerk! If some of you have raised boys past this age maybe you can give me some advice. It is hard to understand what is situational, and what is typical developmental.

Well...that is not all!!! After her nap I took Sarah, Philip, and Thomas to a petting zoo. We had a wonderful time. I had to stop at a bank to get some cash for ice cream and animal food. Sarah actually cried "Mama, Mama"! She did not want me to leave the car without her! Amazing!!!

This morning has passed very well! Sarah had only a 20 minute melt down when everyone left the house. I ended up carrying her up to her bedroom because she was screaming out the mail slot near the front door. I did not think she needed to entertain the whole neighborhood! I cleaned the bathroom while she screamed. Then she tried to dress herself. I think she planned to set out on her own to find the rest of the family. She got frustrated because she could not find her pants and socks. I laid some cloths on her bed for her. I also placed a package of beads on her bed. This girl loves to do arts and crafts. She calmed down right away and let me finish dressing her. Then she carried the beads to the living room and we made her a bracelet. Afterwards we went shopping. She was very happy and loving. It was like having a "first date" with my daughter. We sat in a cafe and had a snack. I only wish I had brought my camera. At home we walked Mickey, played Memory, strung more beads, and watched Dora. Now the boys are home. She played with them while I finished making lunch. She is taking her nap with Nicole (and she did not cry at nap time)! She has called me Mama today, held my hand today, played with me, and even given me a kiss. I thank God for this amazing progress. I am also glad it is Friday. I am happy I can relax a little bit and allow Sarah to enjoy the safety and security of her whole family!

All the kids went to bed at a "normal" time, and I had the time to play with my new computer. I made this picture of our family! I really do think things are beginning to turn around. We aren't out of the woods yet, but I am so much better! I owe it all to you, and your many prayers! Thank you for your help! Only one more morning alone with Sarah, then it's the weekend. I hope she begins to understand that yes they go...but they also come back, and mommy is ok! She may not be as wonderful as daddy, but she is ok!

I know yesterday went so well, but I woke up in panic! I told Juergen I felt like a not so good swimmer who is 100 miles from the shore. I am proud I swam 2 miles yesterday but my arms hurt and I feel like I am going to drown! Sarah and I took Juergen to work. She cried for 1 1/2 hours in the car after we dropped him off. I wanted to take her to a petting zoo, but she would not stop screaming! I was going to run out of gas so I had to stop at a gas station. Then I had to buy some food. We are almost out of everything. Just keeping up with the "normal" daily stuff seems so hard right now. She walked about 10 steps behind me in the store, and continued to cry for her papa (this is after almost 2 hours). They had pet toys for sale, and I bought something for our crazy dog Mickey. We adopted Mickey when he was about 6 months old. We think his first owner beat him. He barks a lot because he is always afraid. For some reason Sarah just loves Mickey. She was very happy to get Mickey a gift. We went right home to take Mickey for a walk and give him a gift. She got so excited; she even gave me a big hug (that is a first). Then I took her out on her little bobby car, and we walked Mickey!

Nap time was very hard. She is simply afraid of me when she is tired. The nannies in her orphanage use to tie her to her bed. I have pictures of this. Perhaps this is why she has so many problems falling asleep. She needs a rest. She can not handle things without a short nap. I insisted she stay in her bed. Finally Mickey came in the room. She begged to have Mickey sleep with her. I agreed. Mickey did not like it, but I held him in her bed and she fell asleep holding on to him. I don't know if this is an all time low? She loves our crazy dog more then me! If you knew our dog you would understand my statement.

Anyway, she is warming up to me again this afternoon. She is playing with Nicole, but even let me take my picture with her...it was only for the camera!
I got a package in the mail from my wonderful online friend Jill Waala. I cried when I opened this amazingly thoughtful gift! I can not tell you how blessed I am by your thoughtfulness and your prayers. Thank you so much!!!

PS. The photo with Juergen Sarah and I was taken by Philip when we picked Juergen up from work. The photo of Sarah holding up a picture is art she made today. She used scissors I think for the very first time. She loves doing art. It reminds me of Nicole at this age.

Juergen is in putting Sarah to bed. We had a wonderful day together. My hand is covered with ink. Sarah and I drew the outline of our hands on a piece of paper in different colors. I'm going to frame this! Apart from the hour after Juergen left for work, and some fussiness at nap time, Sarah played and interacted well with me all day. I got lots of smiles. She even held my hand for a few minutes. Now that Juergen is home she does not want me around...but OK. As Joyce Meyer always says, "I'm not where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I was"! We took really giant steps today! Thank God for giant steps!

We decided to wake her up together this morning. Juergen had on a work shirt. Sarah is very smart. She began crying right away. She clung to him and pushed away from me. There is nothing like a large cup of rejection first thing in the morning! My stomach hurt, and I felt like throwing up!!! We managed to get all the other kids off to school. It was stressful. No one said anything, but you could see the stress on their faces. Finally Juergen said goodbye and the crying and screaming began all over again. She cried for about 20 minutes, then I put on a Dora the explorer DVD (a kids program). It took another 10 minutes before she quieted down to watch the DVD.
When she got very calm I took her to Toys R Us. I wanted to buy her a roller (scooter) or a bike or tricycle. She loved Philips scooter yesterday. I think it's good to take her on long walks with our dog. It's good for her to get out (it's good for me too). We tried maybe 10 or more models of bikes and scooters. Her gross motor skills are not actually very good. We settled on a bobby car (this is a small car you can scoot around with). They come in different models, but she wanted the pink princess model! I also bought her some plastic toy food to cook with. She had a very big smile on her face when we left the store. I gave her a snack in the car. We took Mickey for a walk when we got home. Then we played with the toy food. She pretended to cook, and I ate everything she cooked. Finally she wanted me to open the bobby car. Thank God it was mostly assembled. We took it for a spin around the block. She drags her feet on the ground just like Thomas. I'm going to have to get her some junkie shoes to ride her bobby car in. She has already half ruined her new shoes.
Thomas was home when we returned. Then Philip came and we ate lunch. Now Thomas is laying down in the big bed in her room. She is used to sleeping with 30 other kids in the room. She cannot sleep alone. She is in the small bed. She was actually very sweet with me most of the morning (a big step forward). She is very tired now, and so she is rejecting me again.

I'm sitting in Nicole’s room writing this post from her new notebook computer, my old computer. Juergen (who feels a little helpless) bought me a new computer yesterday. I needed a new computer. Mine (now Nicole’s) didn't have enough storage. I take up allot of space with my photos and digital scrapbook stuff. Nicole just signed a contract with a publishing agent in New York. They had an independent agency critique her first book. They said she has a real talent for story telling. She only needed to make a few grammatical changes. The agency will move directly to marketing her first book (she has written 10 books so far in a series of 15).
Sarah is sitting with Nicole playing play mobil. Juergen has taken the boys swimming. I have lots of time. I've cleaned the kitchen, dinning room, and living room. I took a hot bath. I'm going to give Jessica a bath now. I have lots of time because Sarah will not play with me. Everyone goes back to school and work tomorrow. Sarah will be stuck with Mom alone. My stomach hurts when I type that! We would have a wonderful time if she would just accept me! But that is tomorrow. Today I can tell you about Nicole's big news. Perhaps you will be able to buy one of her books at a Target, or a Wall Mart near you! Isn’t that cool!!!

Today is a vacation day in Germany. I made pancakes for the whole family. Sarah loved the pancakes at McDonalds in China. I'm trying hard to reinforce the good things we have done together. She loved the pancakes, and she saw me making them for the whole family. Then Juergen and I tried to take Sarah for a walk with our dog Mickey. She got out of the car and ran. She fell right away and skinned her knee. It's the 3rd time this week she has fallen. I think she never really had the chance to run. She isn't very good at it. We had to bring her right home. We went back to the field to walk, but took Philip and Thomas with us. This time she only clung to Juergen. So much for reinforcing good experiences! I felt like walking home alone. Philip had brought his roller. Sarah wanted to ride on it. She was too small so someone had to help her. Eventually she allowed me to help her with the roller. We came to a playground, and she let me help her on the slide two times. After that it was Papa Papa! She would accept nothing from me. I just went to play with the dog. On the way back to the car, Juergen made her hold my hand. She did, and for a few minutes it seemed like she was even proud she was being nice to me. She seems so confused. She wants to control everything. She wants her papa all to herself. She gets so frustrated that he is not allowing her clinginess, and tears. He spends more and more time with the other kids, and he insists she be nice to me. Why is it so easy for me to see that life under Sarah’s terms and Sarah’s rules is not what’s best, but continue to think my way is always best? Sure, she is four years old and does not always know what is good for her. I'm 45 years old, and I'm realizing more and more how little I actually know. I have a bigger picture of Sarah’s life, but God has a bigger picture of my life! I must believe He has a bigger picture!