This blog covers our wait, travel, and adjustment to our 4 year old adopted Chinese daughter Sarah Shui Qing from Nanjing. There are over 1000 posts. I have moved my blog to Catching Butterflies 2. I hope you will enjoy reading this blog. It has alot of information on Special needs adoption. Follow us to our new address Catching Butterflies 2! Thank you for reading!

Monday, April 30, 2007

I really like this picture of the farmer sewing the seed and waiting for a harvest. I wish I did not need to work for her love, trust and affection. She seems to give these things so freely to so may others. Still, I can do this. I love plants. I will do the work needed to win my daughter. Today when she was playing with her magna doodle she began tracing her hands. I taught her that! She would not do it for me 3 days ago when I taught her...but she was watching me. I have to believe she is always watching.One of my readers sent me this link I will read it! Thanks!

Today has gone by well with Sarah. She has played the entire day. She is relaxed and calm. Of course all of this has been with her very wonderful (and believe me this word wonderful is a strong understatement) sister Nicole. On the one hand I am very glad Sarah has had what I consider the best over all day so far. On the other hand, she seems very happy to have nothing to do with me. Oh my dear Lord, this is so painful!!! Juergen comes home in about one hour. Tomorrow he has a day off (May 1 is a holiday in Germany). I'm sure Wednesday will be a nightmare when Juergen and Nicole go back to work and school, but today was really good. Sorry I don't have any pictures, but I need to find the battery charger for my camera. Thank you again for your many prayers. I will keep hanging in there. I think about the seasons of a year. Everything does happen in a season! Perhaps when her season of sadness fades (and I believe she blames me for her loss) she will find it in her heart to love me too. I must be like a hard working farmer...I just plow the ground and plant the seeds, only God can do the rest.
So far today it's been calm. Juergen walked out the door and Sarah cried for a half a minute. then she clung to Nicole. What is good about this is she will actually let go of Nicole and play. She has relaxed and played well with Nicole all morning. Right now she is taking a nap. Last night I gave Sarah my old baby doll Nancy (named after my mother). She really loves this doll and has played well with it. It's kind of funny because Nicole never enjoyed playing with dolls. She has had to play dolls all morning. Sarah still does not like me, but I am making it very hard for her. I kept doing nice things for them that surprised Sarah. For example I brought them a baby bib and feeding bowl for the doll. I sat with the kids and made them a snack of fresh pineapple and bananas. All the kids eat it up, Sarah too. I'm sure she would have rejected the food if she was alone with me! Philip has 3 friends (brothers) over to play. The kids don't have school today, but these boys parents need to work. Thomas has gone swimming with another friend. Sarah has to watch me be nice to these other kids! Yes, I am making it very hard to continue with her campaign of hate and rejection!
I thank you for the phone calls, private e-mail and the comments. I took a break from Sarah. I had been with her for 3 weeks. 3 weeks of rejection, and 3 weeks without a break. I was very tired. I slept. I had not eaten for two days, so I eat. Juergen has to go to work again this morning. He is getting ready now. The kids have two days of vacation, so I hope it won't be a 3 hour crying spell. Anyway, I am a little more able to handle it (I hope). A number of people have encouraged me to do holding therapy with Sarah. I've done holding therapy with Jessica my autistic daughter. I'm starting to think this might be my best course of direction. Right now I think I only want to hold her when Juergen is with us. This way she understands he agrees with my holding her. Juergen is also being firmer with her. He does not like her mean treatment of me, and he is beginning to tell her so! It is crazy but yesterday I could not even look at Sarah without crying. Since she will not leave Juergens side, we had to talk to each other over the phone. I did not want to cry or be overly emotional in front of her. It's better today. She actually let me dress her. I am just telling you you have to do what you have to do. My best friend Cindy always reminds me that on an airplane they say "first place the air mask on yourself, then place it on your child". I guess my day long break was just a way of getting some air. I think I have been holding my breath (my emotions) for just too long!
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.

- Murphy's Technology Laws.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

I'm suppose to be even tempered, calm and loving. I should not show too much emotion around Sarah. Today I find this to be an impossible task. I can not even look at her without breaking into tears. The pain is so raw and it's right on the surface. It bleeds out of me. I can not contain it! I went to Church this morning, but could not manage to go in. Allot of people care about me there. they would ask me one by one how I am. I have not got the strength to explain my self over and over. I know no one could comfort me. There are no words. I feel like Elijah, I want to hide in a cave. I just want to sleep. I begged Juergen to just take her someplace. Get her out of here. I can not pretend to be "normal", I am deeply sad. My heart feels so heavy. I just can not hide this pain.
It's Sunday morning. Juergen is in the bigger bed in Sarah's room cuddling with Philip and Sarah. It is a very sweet picture. The only problem is I am not welcome. A giant wave of black ugly jealousy washes over me. I need to pray for help to push this dark self pity away. I'm glad she loves her daddy. He is the most wonderful man. I love him too. This is not the problem. I am not welcome to cuddle with her. I am not even invited to hold her hand. She is his daughter. She is mine too...but only on paper. It was easier to wait for her before we had our TA (travel approval). She has been with us for almost 3 weeks now. I am still waiting for her acceptance, and it hurts me to see her give her love to Juergen so freely while I am still waiting! God bless her future, and give me the strength to love her when she does not love me! Again I remember God loved us long before we loved him.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

It is Saturday and I was laying in bed thinking. I was glad not to have to wake up in a hurry and get anyone off to school. I was also happy I didn’t have to spend the day alone with my “charming” new daughter. It makes me sad to write that, but I know it won’t always be this way. I thought I should make a slideshow today of photos I have of my Mom in China. My Mom was a great help to us. I am very grateful she was with us! You see, Sarah still clings to Juergen like she was someone drowning in water. She rarely relaxes and just plays when he is around. Sarah just cries and clings! It was not like that with my Mom. With grandma she was both safe and relaxed. I saw the best of her when she was with my Mom. My Mom has advised me to try to just “be there” for Sarah. I should not show too much emotion, but I should not chase after her begging for her attention. I should just be there. Eventually Sarah will feel safe with me. Eventually she will trust me. It worked with my Mom.
My poor Mom left Shanghai on only 3 hours of sleep. Her flight from Tokyo was over booked. She was bumped from the flight. Then the airline (NORTHWEST) herded her to another flight. She ended up going to Hawaii, and it took about 28 hours for her to get home. She was not fed, she was placed in a zero star hotel, and could not even make a phone call! She was not even offered free tickets! It was a nightmare!!! She scarifies a great deal for this new grandchild. I will never forget our adventure in China! Thank you Mom! I also want to thank my Dad, brother, and sisters. They cleaned the house, and garden, baked apple pie, arranged transportation from the airport, and even bought a butterfly balloon for Sarah. I’m glad I didn’t need to fly directly to Portland ,Oregon, but I would have had my wonderful family waiting for me. Now we just need to teach Sarah she also has a family who is going to be there for her! I am so grateful I have a family that loves me!

Friday, April 27, 2007

I just spent a very nice 1 1/2 hours with Thomas, Philip, and Sarah in the garden playing with water. They began playing with water in the bath room. I came in and stopped that mess. I said they should come to the garden. Sarah didn't understand, and acted like I was going to kill her. I had to pull her cloths off as she screamed. Then I set up the buckets of water, and she played her little heart out. The boys loved it too! They kept saying "Mom look at this"! "Mom, look at me"!!! I think it's getting very hard to hate me! She gave me a kiss when Juergen came home. She acts like I send him away, and I bring him back. Maybe she believes this? I don't know? Anyway, it was very nice. I don't think it's going to make her love me, but someday she will have to acknowledge I'm not the awful monster she believes me to be!!!

So here we are again. We thought we would be smart this morning and take her out from the start. Juergen put her in the car. He got in his own car and drove away. She screamed and would not stop screaming! She also would not stay in her car seat. I could not drive anywhere. I wanted to take her to the zoo. I could not take her anywhere, not in this hysterical screaming state! I'm sure some good citizen would call the police. I would need to prove I was not kidnapping her. Kidnapping is how it feels. This morning at breakfast, Sarah kept telling Juergen "Papa, Mama"! Like Papa please be my Mama! She does not want me! What am I to do? I feel like all I can do is hold on and ride out this storm. I may never understand why she has chosen to reject me so completely! She has determined in her little mind she will not love me. Anyone else, but not me! I sure hope she applies this amazing determination towards a good and noble cause one day. What strength she has! What a will!!! She is no wall flower! She is a giant, fierce
and loyal, in the body of a 4 year old. She has survived 4 years in an institution with out a family. Trust, real trust does not come easy to her! I can not help but think of all the people in this world who strongly reject the love of God. He also waits for those He loves so deeply to acknowledge his love! I am tired, but I am also determined. I also have a will, and it is very strong! She is a noble cause, and I'm not going anywhere!

This is the best of yesterday. Here we go again!

Thursday, April 26, 2007

This morning began as I imagined it would. Juergen walked out the door and a terrified Sarah cried for 3 hours. My nerves were fried. She kept walking to the door and calling for her Papa. She would receive no food, drink or comfort from me. When I spoke it seemed to bother her even more, so I kept quiet. I cleaned the kitchen, the dining room, and the living room. I gave her space. She knew I was there, but she wanted nothing from me. Finally I made myself some tea. I took some Aspirin, and I sat in the living room to try to relax. I turned on God TV. Ulf Ekmann was preaching. The very first words I heard him speak were “Perhaps you are a child that feels rejected by your parents, or even a parent that feels rejected by your child”, I said “that would be me”!!! He led in a prayer for forgiveness, and blessing. I prayed for Sarah that God would bless her future. That He would help her in this very difficult time of transition, and that He would give me wisdom and help. I decided to take her out of the house. I had to carry her to the car kicking and screaming. Feeling like you need to kidnap your own daughter is about one of the worst feelings I have ever felt in my life. Something’s you just do because you know they are right…despite how it feels! First I drove her to McDonalds for a cherry shake. It had worked yesterday. I had hoped it might work today - and it did. She took the shake. She calmed down. I decided to take her to Toys-R-Us. I wanted to buy something for the boys. They were so good in Nanjing. She would not take my hand, but she did follow me into the store. I picked some Lego out for the boys. That actually relaxed her. I guess she knew she would actually be seeing them again. I think a great deal of her fear comes from not really knowing what part of this dream is going to last. She does not trust it. Then I tried tempting her with a toy. At first she would not be tempted. The answer was “no”!!! We kept walking. But her will weakened. We got to the princess dolls and it was just too much for her. She submitted to let me buy her a Bell baby doll that included a small tea set. Still, she would not carry the doll, or show any joy. Then we stopped by a bike path so Mickey our dog could get a walk. There were dandelions everywhere. I blew a dandelion, and that won me my first smile of the day. We ran from dandelion to dandelion. She was very happy. She did not want to stop. I finally needed to stop because Philip would be coming home from School. When we got home, we opened her doll. I set up a little tea party. I brought chairs, and other dolls. I put fresh strawberries and cookies and even a piece of chocolate on the table. She ate and played. She was laughing and playing when Philip got home. She continued to play when Thomas got home. Then by 2 pm she got very tired and began to reject me again. I laid her down in Philips bed and Philip laid down with her. She was asleep in two minutes. When she woke up she followed Philip around like he was Juergen. She rejected me all over again. Around 5pm she began to get sad again. I took her and Philip out with Mickey for another dandelion walk. That went well. After the walk I went to the store to buy ice-cream because it’s pretty warm today. Juergen was home when we arrived. I feel relieved to have survived this day. I hope she does not give me such a hard time tomorrow. I don’t expect it to be easy, but maybe easier. I’m really worried about Thomas. He looks like he lost Daddy, and now Philip. I feel rejected, but I have a lot of friends and support so I’m handling it. He (Thomas) feels rejected, but does not have the foundation to do anything but fall! We need allot of wisdom and love to help him through this time too!

Wednesday, April 25, 2007
I just started reading this web site. I am actually having a very hard day today. Dealing with this rejection is SOOOOOO HARD! it seems like the only place I have to be alone is in the bath tub. And so I take allot of baths trying to relax and pray. I cry so hard. I am so tired! I feel like I have no strength or ideas. Then I find a small piece of wisdom...just a crumb to work with. I decided I should kidnap my daughter and take her with Nicole to buy some plants for the garden. The weather is wonderful, and my garden is terribly neglected. Juergen was nervous. I felt that at the very least it would give him some time to be alone with the boys. Maybe Sarah could get to know Nicole. She cried the first 10 mins in the car. She held Nicole's hand. I drove through McDonalds and bought her a cherry shake. She calmed down. She would not take my hand, but she was good for Nicole. We saw rabbits and birds and fish. Then we bought tomato plants, peppers, and some herbs. I also went to the food store and bought food for tomorrow. I'm not sure she will let me take her out tomorrow. I bought a baby bottle too. She is too old for a bottle, but feeding her a bottle is a form of bonding therapy. We did this with Thomas when he was 7 years old. He would lay in our arms and drink a bottle with us . We held the bottle and he had to look into our eyes. I thought I might try it with Sarah. I don't think she will let me hold her...but maybe she will?
Our friends and neighbors came over and gave Sarah her first real present. She was not very sure of what to do with the wrapped box. I'm so grateful I am not alone in all of this. I'm so grateful for the love and concern I receive from so many people! I found this song on a readers blog. It also blesses me, and adds to my courage. I could use all the courage I can find!

"People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true friends: succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; be honest anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; be happy anyway. The good you do today , people will often forget tomorrow; do good anyway. Give the world YOUR best anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; it was never between you that them anyway." -Mother Teresa

When I look back at my last few posts I think someone who doesn't really know me might think I'm losing it! It's actually not true. I'm a bit sad and we are in a stressful time but I'm stable. I also think it looks like I don't even like my daughter. I have to tell you honestly I hate this clingy insecure behavior she is exhibiting all the time. It is painful to watch, and painful to live with. I have seen her (thank God) relaxed and fully animated. I think we got one of the finest kids in China. It does hurt me that she still does not want me to be her Mom. It hurts that she doesn't claim her sisters (who are so very wonderful). I realize we will get through all of this, and people will envy us for the charming sweetheart we have in Sarah. Today is Juergens last day home. I hate the thought of watching her cry tears of panic and loss again in the morning. If I did not love her, it would not hurt me so deeply! We will find our way with each other. When my Mom left the hotel in Shanghai, Sarah cried for hours. She would not be comforted. She clung to the door and cried. It broke my heart is breaking still. I hate tomorrow! Eventually she calmed down. Eventually she eat. Eventually she played with me, and began accepting me. It simply is the only way. I would rather cut off my arm then have to see her heart broken again. In a few weeks I hope she will finally feel safe! The video is from the hotel in Shanghai. This is Sarah finally relaxing with me after my Mom left and I was all she had. Please just pray for us tomorrow. There is no way of explaining to her Daddy goes away, and then he comes back. She (and unfortunately I) must live through it.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Juergen and I tried to feed Sarah early, give her a bath and put her to bed so that we could enjoy a somewhat "normal" family dinner. It looked like our plan was working. She fell asleep with both of us in the room. We are trying to do these things together. Sarah of course would prefer to have Juergen feed her, give her a bath, and put her to bed but we both feel we must be firm on our both doing this. Unfortunately Sarah woke up about 10 minutes after she had fallen asleep! Nicole could not hide her disappointment. She hardly eat any dinner. I eat none! Sarah was very tired and wanted to dominate everything. The boys also began to act up because they wanted their Dads attention (they need his attention). I picked Sarah up and brought her to bed. I stayed with her as she cried herself to sleep. Juergen was at least able to put the boys to bed.

I'm getting allot of advice about attachment disorders. I'm hoping this is a short process we are living through, but I realize it could be a longer term process we must fight our way through. I guess it's too early to tell. Two things stick out in my mind. Number one is this really stinks! I am the only person who has been with her everyday for the past two weeks, and she acts like she hates me! She went to sleep, but would not even allow me to place a blanket on her! Believe me I know the girl does not realize what she is doing. She is a scared insecure 4 year old who is just reacting. I am the grownup who must not "react" but must be consistently loving. OK, I get it! OK, I'm doing it...but I'm telling you it STINKS!!! Number two is how strongly I feel I need to draw some lines so that my other children do not get to hurt in this transition. I'm sure putting Sarah to bed did not win me any points with Sarah, but somehow I must protect the other kids. They must get a piece of their dad. I need a piece of him too. I will order the books on attachment and read the articles, if I learn anything I will pass it on. I see her as someone who needs to find her place in our family. She is not the Queen (that is my place) and she is not the only child, and not the only daughter. I would be more then happy to share my life with Sarah, but I am really having a hard time with her desperate need to take over everything! I know, I know I'm probably over reacting. After all she just got home, and she is so scared and confused. But honest to goodness, it seems like she plain wants to take over everything! A very Hugh part of me wants to yell "back off sister" "stand in line and take your turn"!!!

The weather here in Germany is very good. Juergen took Philip, Thomas and Sarah to the park. Jessica and Nicole didn't want to go, so I stayed behind to care for Jessica. I guess Sarah really loved the Merry go round!
I feel the bond between Sarah and Juergen growing stronger and stronger...and it hurts to be standing on the outside. It hurts to see Jessica and Nicole also feeling "outside". I know it just takes time, but this two families thing is really killing me! It has always been a challenge to pull us all together because Jessica is always trying to take a different route. Oh this is hard!

After our shopping trip in Guangzhou(April 19TH)Sarah plays with her new fan and hat. She can be such a doll! Maybe time is the only thing that will cause this sweetheart to really feel secure. She can be so amazing when she feels safe! I hate being the one who has to remain with her while the ones she has chosen to trust (Juergen & Mom) walk out the door! I really hate the thought of seeing her heart break again on Thursday! I see no other answer...Juergen must come and go enough times before she finally understands he always comes back. It all makes me appreciate Gods steadfast love and patience with us. We chase after so many other things when our real peace can only be found in Him! I will stand with her Thursday and everyday. She may never appreciate me, but I love her. My heart already breaks at the thought of seeing her fear again.
Thank you for your constant words of support and encouragement. I really do gather strenght and help from you. One person wrote this is not about me it's all about Sarah. On this point I must agree and disagree! Yes it's about Sarah who is a stressed out four year old in major transition. Yes we must do all we can to help her through this stressful time. But Sarah stresses our whole family out! We have four other children who desperately need calm stability. Thomas (now almost 10 years old adopted when he was almost 7) is very stressed out! He has always been a daddy's boy. I think the other 3 are more Mommy's kids. Sarah's constant clinging to Juergen and sadness stires up allot of insecurity in Thomas. While Sarah grieves the loss of what she lost, I believe Thomas is now grieving again for what He never had! He never had a nanny who loved him. He kissed that children's home goodbye and never wanted to look back! I'm sorry but this painful process is not all about Sarah, it is all about our whole family. Somehow we need wisdom to bring Sarah into our whole family, and she can not dominate everything. Juergen goes to work on Thursday. I'm already scared to death of how she will react on Thursday when He goes, and everyone else goes and I am all she has. We had a real battle this morning to basically make her accept her breakfast from me. All food will now come from me! I dressed her too with Juergens help. She absolutely doesn't want anything from me. I know in a perfect world we could just wait until she was ready to give me her trust, but Thursday is coming...and daddy must go back to work!

After our lunch at Lucy's we went shopping. It was really the only chance we got to shop! Sarah loved it. She got new squeaky shoes (two pair) and dolls,and a new jacket. I also managed to get a few things for the rest of the family. Mom was also able to buy some silk. I really wanted to buy a pearl for myself but it just didn't work out. God reminds me that Sarah is my pearl, and Philip is my only diamond (Philips Thai name means diamond).

We had lunch with the Cline family at Lucy's cafe. That was very special! They just adopted their 2nd child Ethan who is a real charmer. He developed some sudden unexpected health problems, and his Mom and Dad needed to rush through all the paperwork in I think 5 days (it usually takes 10+ days). They were fighting for their new boy like two bull dogs. I was so blessed to meet them and pray with them! I expect to see great things from their wonderful intelligent little boy! They see a neurosurgeon on Thursday. Please remember to lift up this family in your prayers. They also have a long journey ahead of them before they can be in a normal calm home! I just love their total commitment to this boy God has given them! You had to be there to see how charming and smart he really is!

sorry the video was shot sideways.

Sarah did our hair for us with butterfly clips while we waited in the van.

Monday, April 23, 2007

It's about 4pm here in Germany (10pm in China). Juergen took Sarah and Philip to IKEA to buy a cabinet that has a lock on it. Jessica is getting into all the DVDs and other stuff. We want to lock them up before she ruins everything. I was sitting with Nicole and telling her about my "fun" day with Sarah. She clings to Juergen for dear life, and crys every time I even dare look at her. Believe me this is a major challenge to my fragile ego! I told Nicole I hope it's not me she is screeching at...but just that I remind her that she lost her nanny. Nicole reassured me it was not me, or they would also be screeching at me too! Thanks Cole!!! Juergen was at the birth of Jessica and Nicole. He will tell you Jessica's birth was hard, but Nicole's was easy. I was there too...and I will tell you I felt the contractions. Jessica's birth was harder, but believe me it hurt when Nicole was born! He did not feel those contractions, I did! He does not get the rejection, I do! I may understand it, but I also feel it! I may hope it's going to pass, but believe me it hurts! It has hurt for awhile, and it hurts today! I look at her pictures and recall how charming and sweet she can be towards me! It is like living with Jekyll and Hide. Please someone tell me how wonderful I ego needs some major boosting! I am so not deserving of this rejection!!!

After the medical exam our guide took us to the US Embassy to make sure our papers were in order for our consulate appointment the next day. Then we went to IKEA to eat some lunch. This was the first time Sarah really allowed me to feed her. She also played a kind of hide and seek-peek a boo game with me.She loved the orange soda, and it was her first time using a straw.

On our first day in Guangzhou Sarah needed to get a simple medical exam as part of her American citizenship visa application. She was in a surprisingly good mood. She was charming and very animated. I got lots of smiles and even kisses. She still would not allow me to hold her hand, or take her to the toilet. Still I felt very encouraged.

This was our first breakfast in Guangzhou at McDonald's. A few days before I tried to get her to eat the pancakes but she wouldn't (pride). On this day she loved them. She also loved to use a knife and fork!
"Home is where your story begins", this is a comment left by Juliette. I slept from about 8:30pm until /7:30am and I could have easily slept more. I am emotionally and physically exhausted and I am glad Juergen is giving me the chance to recover. He is sitting at his desk now, trying to clear his calendar at work so he can stay at home. Sarah hangs on him. I'm sure she would not accept my care just yet. But she is also exhausted and needs some time and distance to relax. As many of you wrote, I am the person that reminds her of what she has lost. I'm certain she will be too busy experiencing the wonderful new life, she will soon forget what was lost. Today I will try to get a cable to transfer all my photos and video of Sarah. You can begin to catch a glimpse of my amazingly beautiful daughter. I have been honest with you about how hard this has been. I stood in the kitchen this morning making my coffee. I remembered a friend of mine who spent the last 3 months of her pregnancy in the hospital. It was tuff. It took a long time for them to get over the stress of that pregnancy. But their son is amazing, and you don't dwell on the pain, you rejoice in the child! I wish it hadn't been so hard (and still is hard). This is a birthing process. She is a Pearl of great price, and I would do it all again...I have a great treasure in Sarah.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

I survived the airport just fine. Sarah and I played peek a boo with each other while we stood in line. I'm sure she entertained the many waiting passengers. she wore her new pink squeaky shoes. They have little white butterflies on the sides. I thought it was appropriate. The trouble began because the flight was so late. she gets really sad when she is tired. she refused to allow me to hold her. She would not sit in her stroller. When we finally checked in for the flight it was almost 11:30pm. I had so much to carry on, I made the mistake of allowing an overly kind Chinese women to carry Sarah to the plane. When this women placed Sarah in her chair, she screamed her head off. The airline flight attendant rushed to pick Sarah up and bring her to this women. Then another flight attendant yelled at me to please switch my seat! Then the women who carried Sarah to the plane announced very loudly in Chinese Sarah was not her daughter. The over crowded plane filled with Chinese people bust into laughter. I thought I would die from embarrassment! Then the Chinese flight attendants held and coddled Sarah. I had to pry her from them. They tried to make me allow this over helpful Chinese mother to care for Sarah on the flight. I had to yell at them to let Sarah stay with me. The helpful mother would get off the flight in the morning, and Sarah would need to stay with me. She did not need another caretaker walk away from her! Sarah calmed down until another overly helpful Asian women directly behind us began feeding her cookies, and holding her hand. Then she rejected me completely! She cried off and on all night. I am sure she cried for her nanny. The airplane landed in Frankfurt and all the well meaning women disembarked. Sarah screamed uncontrollably. I stared at the flight attendant who had tears in her eyes. She finally understood why I did not want them to bond with my daughter. They walked away, and she was so grieved. I was so angry!
I walked directly to the passport control office and begged them for a visa for Sarah. She needed to go home. She was so exhausted and confused. We both just needed to be home! Miracle of miracles is they gave Sarah a visa to Germany. I canceled my flight to Portland. I am typing this from my own desk. I have allot of details to cover about what has happened in the past few days. I also have allot of great photos and video (I hope I can get a cable for my camera, so I can transfer the pictures). For now I just wanted to praise God for the chance to be here. I don't think I could have handled another 4 hour layover and another 12 hour flight with my poor confused daughter. We had both reached the end of our rope! Sarah kissed me when she saw Juergen. Now that she is home she is rejecting me again. I'm not a monster, and I find it entirely unfair that she treats me so badly! When will we ever find our new normal? They called her nanny "momma". She will not allow me to be her mama. All those Asian women only reminded her of this loss. When will she ever allow me to be a part of her future? We are home, but we have allot of miles to travel before Sarah really feels safe!

Saturday, April 21, 2007

This will be my final post from China. I am happy to say I am writing this with Sarah in my lap. We have spent the past hour reading my blog. Before the blog, we played with play dough. She has really warmed to me this afternoon. She is getting very tired. She missed her nap. I'm hoping I can get her to stay awake one more hour, then we will go to the airport. She gets sad and nervous when she is tired. She just got off my lap.Maybe we had better take a nap first! Pray for me friends. I would love to do more then survive the next day. I hope I will finally gain the trust of my sweet Sarah.
I haven't been able to phone Juergen on the skype phone. He has called me a few times. I just begged him to call the hotel and ask them to let me stay until 9pm. I hope Sarah will be close to sleeping then and I'll manage to check us in without a 4 hour drama in the airport! I don't have a credit card so I can not do this myself. I ordered room service. Sarah would not touch her food for the first half hour. Now by some miracle she is calming down and eating her hamburger and fries. She is even dipping the fries in ketchup. This is the calmest she has been today.I had green tea and aspirin for lunch. Who needs weight watchers? I think the best weight loss program is stress. I'm sure I've lost 10 pounds since I came to China! I really know that the very worst of this is nearly over. Once we get Sarah home, she will be fine. She and I have been tossed around for weeks with no real peace. We both just need to be home. I'm so glad that even if I can not stay in Germany, I will be in Oregon on Sunday. When I can share this load, and joy with my parents I will have rest. Sarah is a joy. I wish I had a cable to download the video and pictures I've taken of this amazing sweet monkey. You could not imagine what a joy she can be. Today I will be leaving China with one of the finest treasures. She truly is a pearl of great price. Again I thank God for this beautiful beautiful child!
Hi, I am in the room in the Ramada Pudong airport hotel. My mom left this morning and Sarah is crying. There is not much I've been able to do to calm her down. I called a member of the staff to try to explain to Sarah I will be taking her to her grandma on the airplane,but they just don't understand how to do it. Their English is very simple. They only try to comfort her. She wants to attach to them. It only makes everything worse. Sarah has very bad diarrhea and has gone through all her clean unaware. I have none left. I am giving her peto, and she had a banana. She let me help her in the toilet. That's a step in the right direction. I wish she would accept my help. We have had many great days together. We were smiling and playing, but all the care , feeding her dressing her and putting her to bed was done by my Mom. Sarah would not even let me hold her hand as we walked down the street. She crys for Mom, and she just does not understand it is only a short goodbye. I was winning her trust little by little. I need a great deal of prayer to get through the next 24 hours. I must check out of the hotel by 6 pm. My plane does not leave until almost midnight. I have no idea what I will do with this screaming crying child in the airport for almost 6 hours. I could not have wished this for her. I've seen her cry 3 times. First for her nanny, then Juergen, now my Mom. My heart is sick, my strength is weak, I have ot eaten or slept well, I have to spend an entire day with Sarah on the airplane. I know she will be happy once she sees my Mom again. I'm sure it will be OK when I finally get her home. But today the storm is very dark, and I must do this alone. God give my help! God comfort this poor confused girl!

Friday, April 20, 2007

Juergen's post: Unfortunately, it didn't work out with the German visa so now Amy and Sarah have to fly to Frankfurt on Sunday, wait for 4 hours and then immediately fly to the US. That are very many hours for Amy and our little Sarah...
Sarah is slowly warming up to Amy. Sarah is very animated, very excited to explore her new life. They went shopping and got shoes for Sarah. She loved them so much that she kisses them and holds them when she goes to bed. She is totally excited about all the new stuff she is seeing and doing. And she is warming up more and more to Amy. But when Grandma is not there, Sarah still immediately falls back into her old state of rejection of Amy. Amy cannot even sit her on the toilet without her crying. This will be a challenge when they have to fly, just the two of them, for a total of 24 hours! Luckily there are a few more days left to build some bond.

The hotel in Guangzhou is really bad but now they are on their last day. At the time of this post, they will be all packed and ready to go to the last appointment at the US consulate (14:00) and then be taken directly to the airport. Tonight they will arrive in Shanghai and then stay at a 'good hotel' again so Amy will be online again.

But in spite of some difficulty here, we realize that we still are doing well. During this week in Guangzhou there was another family who picked up their little boy (their second child). They started the adoption process also about a year ago. Just a few days before they were to pick up their new son, he got sick and developed fluids in his brains that are building up. I don't remember what it was called but it is a very serious and normally deadly disease. They rushed through the whole process in one week and are now on their way back to the US. Immediately after arriving there he must have an operation. This family is fighting so much for the life of their new son. Compared to that we are very well off ...

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Juergen again:
Today is the big business day where Amy needs to accomplish all paperwork in the US embassy and go to the German embassy to try to get a visa for Sarah (so she doesn't have to go to the US right away). After two hours of frantic phone calls (from 1:00 to 3:00 am) this now seems possible (luckily I am still on Shanghai time :-).
The hotel they are staying at is a 'challenge' (very mildly put). It seems that only 1 person there speaks english, the internet still doesn't work, the phone has only chinese on it and no one could explain to Amy yet how to use the phone to be able to call anyone. So I called her, called our agent (from the adoption agency), called her again etc. to set an appointment where they could meet. That sounds easy enough, doesn't it?
Well, the hotel people have told our agent several times that Amy does not stay in the hotel anymore and the room is now taken by someone else. Then the agency sent a person to the hotel directly and they told them the same and told them to go away. Then I finally get through on the phone and they tell me "the lady doesn't want phone calls, we cannot put you through". But Amy was just there and told them the opposite "please let my agent throuhg to call me". When I told them I am the husband, suddendly they say "OK" and ... suprise ... Amy does indeed still stay in the room where she was supposed to be, even though the hotel staff had just said before that Amy had left the hotel the day before. All this time I am thinking "Amy is lost in China and I have no way to contact her".
We are learning a lot of things on this trip. If you ever go to China, consider this: (1) never stay in a hotel that is less than 4 stars, (2) never assume any taxi driver speaks English, (3) always have a cell phone that works (you can rent them there).

Anyway, after some hectic phone calls she is now on her trip to the embassies. I hope that we will have the news tonight that she managed to get the German visa (the American paperwork is no problem).

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Hi, this is Juergen writing. Amy is currently 'offline' as you might have guessed. People have been worried that there was no post for a few days. The reason is that Amy cannot get the internet to work in the new hotel. I just finally managed to reach her and will just give you some quick updates until she gets back online on Saturday:

To come to the core point: Sarah is much better already. Amy felt she got a wall of rejection before (the "wall of china") but now there is a big crack. Getting on the plane was hard as it was to be expected. Amy had this piece of paper that said in Chinese something like "I am not kidnapping this kid but have adopted it. She is still afraid and has to get used to me. I am not really a bad person ... ". She had to use this paper several times in the airport because people (and some security guys) came looking what was up with the screaming baby that screams in very clear chinese "I don't want this mommy ...". In the end a woman approached them that was really helpful. She talked to Sarah a lot and actually also got on the same plane. Sarah calmed down a lot and seemed to understand the first time what was happening.

When they got to Guangzhou, they were picked up by the local adoption guide (of our agency IAAP).
The place is a zoo right now. For those in Germany, it can be compared to the Hannover 'Cebit' fair. During that time the whole city is in 'emergency mode': All hotels are booked, you can't get a taxi, everything is 5 times as expensive ... It makes sense that IAAP normally doesn't let people travel at this time. Amy had to walk for two hours and saw hundreds of taxis go by and no one stopped. And no one seems to speak English there (Shanghai is bad enough). The city is totally Chinese. On top of it, the internet doesn't work in the room, which also means no emails, posts and no Skype phone calls. And she didn't manage to find an internet cafe in that area.

But during all this, Sarah has warmed up to her Mommy a lot. She already kind of accepted her grandma but now she is much more relaxed with Amy, she actually hugged and kissed her a few times. But she also swings back to the old state of fear and distance. I think it will take a few more days. At least I am very much relieved that Sarah has changed so fast. It will be exciting to see the real Sarah come out in the next few weeks.

Currently we are trying to get a German visa for Sarah as well. This will allow Sarah to be in Germany for a few months before Amy will take her to the U.S. to finish the American citizenship process. Otherwise they would have to immediately go on to Portland, USA and spend another week travelling, with jet lag, without any normalicy ... I hope and pray very much that we get the German visa.
Now it just so happens that a friend of mine from our church works directly for the German Foreign Policy Spokesman in the German government who happens to know the ambassador to China in Guangzhou very well. So he did send a letter to ask for expedited handling of our case (we need the visa in several hours instead of several days). This should really help. Thank God for connections :-)

Amy will be back online on Saturday. I am sure you will see the 'monster post' then with all that happened in between. Thanks for everyone who is supporting us.

Monday, April 16, 2007

We had a little breakthrough this afternoon. For some reason my blog actually could be viewed. First of all, thank you for all the encouraging words and comments. You bless me, and God knows I needed your words of encouragement. Sarah was super stressed out because Juergen and I are stressed packing, and sad about a lack of a visa. I went to take a hot bath. Juergen showed Sarah my blog. She loved all the photos and videos. She was naming all of the people in her family, and smiling and talking. It looked like we had turned a big corner! She let me take her picture. She was so relaxed and excited. Then we took her and Jessica to lunch. She gave me big smiles, and even offered me kisses. Juergen and I thought we needed to build on this. We wanted to just go ahead and take the whole family to Guangzhou, and face the German school situation later! The problem is, there are no flights to Guangzhou. They are all booked because of the trade fair. I could not even find one ticket for Nicole! I looked for hours, I tried so hard. I do not want to take Sarah away from Juergen. It seems so cruel. I know I am not mean, but I'm sure nothing I say or do will convince Sarah of this. I'm sure my mom will manage to comfort her, but will she ever trust me. She is very stressed out. She realizes something is up. She cried herself to sleep. She rejected me again. I think she knows she will lose her daddy.
A friend of ours with connections in German politics is trying to pull some strings for us. Perhaps we can manage a visa to Germany. I fully intend to follow through on Sarah's American citizenship process.I am happy to go to the USA, I just hope I can go in a few months. With out a visa, I will fly to Portland on Sunday(I have the tickets). Tickets can be changed! Please pray we get a visa, and pray for our poor Sarah. I hate having to take her from Juergen. I'm so sad about what I must do in the morning. Juergen flies home with the kids tomorrow. Everyone is very stressed out. It is always hard to fly with Jessica, so please remember to pray for them too. I guess we will all get through this difficult time. I would be so blessed if I could just go home!
I had nightmares all night. I woke up at 4:30 and went and cried on my Mom's shoulder. I can not tell you how thankful I am that she is here with us. I never imagined I would need her like I do. I prayed this morning, I pray all the time. It is so clear to me I am not alone. I feel like I am carrying the bulk of this trail, but I am not alone. My hands still feel a great deal of pain. It's actually funny that it's both my hands. It makes me think of Moses in the wilderness. His arms got weak, and he needed others to lift his hands up for him. As long as his hands were raised up, Israel won the battle. When he lowered his hands the battle would turn agents them. He needed people to stand by him. Thank you for helping me fight this battle by praying for me. I am also grateful that Juergen stands next to me. It has been so stressful for us, but we are not divided. My mom will continue with me as I take Sarah to Guangzhou. I am also thinking of taking Nicole (my very noble and wonderful friend and daughter). On the one hand she is just a girl (only 13 years old) and I am afraid it will be stressful for her. Her school is very hard, but it's a private school and we think her director will give her a few extra days. The other kids attend public school, and it is not possible for them to stay. Sarah's real problem seems to be me. They said I would be her mother. She doesn't want to have me forced upon her. I think tomorrow will be very hard. We will probably need to rip her from Juergens arms. I don't think she will come to me...but she is willing to go to grandma and probably even Nicole. It kills me, but I can not force myself upon her. I want to make it as easy on her as I can.
This morning we went to the Germany embassy to try to get a visitor visa for Sarah. It did not work. They would not give us a visa. Now I need to come to the USA. I fly back to Frankfurt on Saturday night. I will not be allowed to leave the airport. I will need to find a connecting flight to Oregon. I am so tired , and it is nearly impossible for Juergen and I to hide our stress. Sarah is a wreck. She follows Juergen around the apartment panicked! I have a legal right to take this child, but she has not given me permission to take her. We will have our guide try to explain to her what is about to take place. How do you explain to a four year old her new daddy is about to be ripped away from her side and she will need to fly to the other end of China for a few days, and then to Germany and then the USA? Someone explain it to me?

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Sarah actually called me Mama today! It was when Juergen and I were about to leave her with my Mom so we could go out to coffee. We wanted to have a planning meeting. We don't get any chance to talk alone because Sarah will not leave his side for two seconds. Believe me, Juergen is wonderful, but this is getting a bit sick!!! My Mom was holding her so we could walk out the door. She would not let her follow him, so out of desperation she asked me! She shouted Mama! It felt really good to have her jump into my arms and call me Mama! Juergen cried! I knew she was just using me, but I let her come with us. Of course she would not let me hold her or even look at her the second we walked out the door!
This afternoon we all went swimming. Jessica has hardly had a chance to leave the hotel in the past two days. She loves to have Juergen throw her around in the pool, but Sarah just would not allow anyone else to hold her, even for two seconds! Juergen took her upstairs to stay with Grandma. She was mad at Mom for not letting her go with Juergen in the morning. She wouldn't calm down for Mom...that is until I returned from the pool with Jessica. Then it was Grandma hold me! Grandma save me from that wicked crazy lady who thinks she is my Mom! Anyone, even Jessica would be better then Mom!
We had originally planned to have Juergen stay with Sarah tonight so I could take Mom and the kids to the circus. Because Sarah will not let go of Juergen, we felt we must have him leave tonight. They are gone now! Sarah had a fit! She walked from window to window crying for him. She would not let me near her to comfort her. All I could say was Sarah I am sorry, Papa will come back. It's OK. But she didn't even want to hear my ugly voice. She kept shouting at me in Chinese. I don't know exactly what she said, but I'm sure it was go away, I do not want you. I sat her on the toilet, under great protest and placed her in her sleeper. She clung to her coat and shoes, so preyed them out of her hands and actually put them on her too. She was very tired. She placed herself in bed. I was not allowed to come near her. She stared out the window that looks down to the street, and she fell asleep. I'm sure she will not be angry at Juergen for leaving her. She will probably blame me for sending him away! I've heard a great number of stories about children attaching themselves to one parent and rejecting the other parent. The situation generally resolves its self in time. I am sure Sarah will also learn to love me. We have had her one whole week now. It has been one of the worst weeks of my life! I have been Sarah's punching bag while Juergen got to be her teddy bear! He says he wishes the shoe was on the other foot. I'm sure this is not true! I don't honestly think he could handle this rejection, he is far to sensitive! I often wonder (especially lately) how God handles the rejection of so many of those he lovingly created? I guess he knows the future, and waits for the day we come to Him not out of a desire to manipulate or use him, but freely and in love! I wait for this day, and I am very sure that one hug will be worth every miserable moment I have experienced. Again Sarah sleeps sweetly. She is clinging to her cloths, and probably dreaming of my dream man. I must say, she has very good taste in men! Very Very good taste!!!

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Today was very emotional, and I'm very very tired. I took Nicole and Jessica for a long taxi ride around Shanghai. It is a very cool city, especially at night! I made the mistake of blowing up at Juergen (in front of Sarah). After all I have been through today, Sarah was following Juergen around like a puppy holding on to his hand, and he let her! The point (and it was messy because I'm an emotional mess) was you should not allow her to do this! If she has to attach herself to someone, let it be my Mom. She is going to Guangzhou and Juergen isn't! Juergen and I took a long drive in a taxi, and let my Mom put Sarah to bed. She only cried 30 seconds when he left, and she went to bed great for Grandma. The reality is it's not Juergen or Mom that she has the problem with, it's me! I am trying to take over the role of her Mom, and she doesn't have room in her heart for a new Mom. She loved her nanny; she doesn't want to accept a new mom! In the church I grew up in, if a pastor dies, or leaves the denomination sends in a transitional pastor. This person takes the grief and loss of the church. If people want to compare him to the old guy, it doesn't matter...he is just transitional! Juergen and I think Sarah doesn't want parents just yet! She just wants a transitional care taker! We are going to let Mom be this person. In the mean time, I'm going to stop being emotional around Sarah. I'm going to try to calmly wait until she is ready to invite me in. I think I have allot more peace because my Mom is going to be Switzerland, and all warring parties can call an end to the present conflict! I hope we can just relax and enjoy tomorrow! We need a good day!
Well as the song in the play little orphan Annie goes, "yesterday was plain awful"! I hope with all my heart I will be able to write "that was yesterday" ! Today was awful for me. Sarah went to Philip and she gladly went to my Mom (for this I am grateful). She continues to snub me. I am really clueless what I should do. Your letters of encouragement bless me more then I can say! I am with out any strength. I can not hide my sadness. I know everything will improve, The sun will come out tomorrow...but for me the sky is still very dark. Juergen lost my camera in the taxi. This also hurts...I loved my camera! I thank God I had already downloaded the photos from the orphanage, it would have killed me to lose those!
Sarah woke up very angry. She was very mad that it was me and not Juergen in the bed next to her. Juergen and I took her to the food store around the corner. She calmed down when we were outside. Juergen and I decided that he should leave for the day. Somehow Sarah needs to learn she has two parents she can trust. It's painful for her to go through this process but I just can not have her screaming like this on the airplane. Juergen took my Mom, Nicole, and Thomas out to see Shanghai. They took a rented cell phone (the panda phone). I will let them know when it's OK to come home. She has been angry for nearly 3 hours, but not really crying or paniced. She is very strong willed, and she is very determined not to accept me. I keep very calm towards her. Philip is here, and I've been blowing bubbles and drawing on the magnadoodel with him. She refused lunch but eat a few crackers and took a drink from me. I put her down for a nap. She got up and put her shoes on. She sat next to the door, but looked so tired. I had Philip give her a pillow. She refussed it and got up to go to bed. She got upset when I came in to give her a drink.I left the room and she cried pretty loud,and began to panic. I don't think she has ever slept alone before. I came in and held her. She actually looked me in the face and talked to me. She decide to sleep with Philip who was laying down in the extra bed in the living room. I of course said OK. She crawled into bed. I tucked her in, and kissed Philip and her good nap. She is asleep right now. Hopefully I can get her to play with Philip and I this afternoon. Then I will let Juergen come home! I'm so desperate, I may need to have him check into another room for a night. Sarah may need the time. We are making progress. I'm sorry if this whole drama sours some people on adoption. Half the Sky started a new Nanny program in Sarah's orphanage about 6 months ago. Before then she did not have a special nanny. Over the past 6 months she has had one nanny all to herself. She has grown very attached to this women. She probably has decided it would be disloyal to attach herself to me. Juergen is her first daddy. He had no shoes to fill! I wanted to cry earlier in the week (and did cry) because her rejection was so strong and mean. Now she is only angry, and this is really much easier to deal with the grief!
I am happy for Juergen because he actually gets a break from this drama! I'm also happy for Nicole and Thomas because they finally get to see some of China, and their daddy! I would take a picture of Sarah and Philip, but Juergen has the camera. Kids are always angles when they sleep. It is a sweet sight.
My hands are still in allot of pain from the fall I took. Jessica is a little sick, and doesn't seem to mind spending the day in her room. Juergen has a tooth ache, and is also getting an ear infection. I guess I'm just asking everyone to please continue to pray for us. I never fail to thank my God for the grace that has been given us as a result of the prayers of many!

Friday, April 13, 2007

We are now in Shanghai. We spend the weekend here and on Tuesday I kidnap my new daughter and take her to Guangzhou to finish the American citizenship paperwork, while a sad and tired (very abused and overworked ) Juergen takes our other calm and loving children back to Germany to escape their new charming little sister( I mean return to school). Actually I think we have moved past the grief, and now we are just dealing with a controlling and demanding little tyrant (a cute terrorist, but a terrorist). Poor girl, her parents adhere to the American philosophy, we do not negotiate with terrorists! Tonight we tried to feed Sarah together. She refused the food! I gave Juergen a bite, offered Sarah a bite, and then eat a bite. I gave Juergen a bite, offered a very stubborn Sarah a bite, then eat a bite. The plate got more and more empty. She could not believe we would not cave in to her demands. The food was gone (believe me, I'm not going to starve her).I later offered her food again and this time she accepted some! We picked her up and took her to the toilet. Again she shoved me away. Juergen and I are certain it is not fear and sadness driving this behavior now, it's a need to totally control Juergen. She treats him like a dog. she snaps an order and expects him to roll over! All the kids and Mommy are getting sick of it. We also decided that I do not want to deal with a hysterical child screaming bloody murder on the airplane Tuesday morning. I put Sarah to bed alone. I held her, not too tight. I talked to her. She cried for only 30 seconds. Then she got angry and hit me, and started to demand that Juergen come. He was strong, and stayed away. She continued to demand he come in the most authoritative manner! She sure is a strong personality. She barked orders at the door just like a little princess (Sarah means princess)! I kept telling her firmly no! I am the Mama! When she refused to look at me, I would tickle her knees. She got really mad and looked at me in the eyes and said no! Then, when she made eye contact I would tell her again I am the mama! She was not sad at all, or panicked. She was angry that her new slave would not come! Finally, I layed her down on the pillow and she fell asleep in about one minute.
I would not push her if I felt she was still grieving. I also would not push this if I did not need to travel alone with her to Guangzhou (actually with my Mom who she also rejects). I'm not mean or abusive. I am firm and trying to be clear. She is more intelligent then you can imagine! She speaks fluent Mandarin. She tries to reason like a genius! I held her and prayed out loud, asking God to take authority over our situation. He is the boss, not Sarah. She is missing out on a whole family by trying to control her daddy! I get to sleep with Sarah tonight. She is a very good sleeper. The real test will come tomorrow morning, when she wakes up and realizes daddy is not there, and she is stuck with me! She is stuck with me... and I'm pretty sure I'm gong to like her as soon as she learns who is boss! She is so amazingly smart! She is also very loyal, and I bet she can even be charming if she sets her mind to it!

It's my sister Shelley's birthday (April 12Th) so happy birthday Shelley! Sorry I did not call, I'm having some Internet problems.
Sarah continues to cry when she sees me. She is also sad with Juergen, but will at least go to him. I cried a river last night,after she slept. It is very painful to see her so sad, and also painful to be treated so meanly. Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement on the guestbook. I may not be able to read my blog until I go home, but the guestbook comments really build me up. You are all so wonderful.
Today we travel back to Shanghai. I am sorry we had to spend so much time in the Nanjing hotel. The city is really wonderful, and I would have loved to see more. Our guide Michael was world class! He is really worth so much more then we could ever pay him without corrupting him! The swimming pool at the Mandarin Garden hotel was very cold. The boys only used it once. We are all looking forward to the warm pool in Shanghai, and maybe a better weekend!

Thursday, April 12, 2007

I spent a few hour at the Nanjing orphanage this morning. It's a very clean and well run place. The Nanny's are wonderful and clearly love the kids. I managed to get photos and even video of all the kids on my list (13 kids). I'm working on a photo album, and I will download the video when I return home to Germany. The connection to the Internet was too slow. The kids are all beautiful and I praise God I was allowed to photograph each one! I don't have the name to face connection, so if you are one of the waiting parents we will have to figure out who belongs to who later. Sarah still gives me the cold shoulder but I'm not so uptight about that today. She seems sad even with Juergen.I think she is just processing grief. I won't take it personally!

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

This afternoon we went to the Nanjing zoo and the old city wall. I took loads of pictures, but then my batteries went dead on my camera. I need to charge the battery or I can not download the pictures.
Sarah continues to cling to Juergen and she will not allow me to touch her without crying. It's very very hard, but I'm just trying to focus on the other kids, and I'm basically ignoring little miss sunshine!!! A few times today Juergen and I forced her to sit next to me on the van, and allow me to carry her. She screamed bloody murder. I just held her and held her until she calmed down. When she relaxed, I let her go. She does not, does not want to trust me! We passed a butterfly house near the exit of the zoo. First mom said "Look Amy! Butterflies", I said "yes, OK I see it". Then Juergen said "Look Amy! Butterflies", I said I've had enough butterflies today! I would like to forget her today, and try again tomorrow! I had enough rejection for today. A person can only take so much! Juergen went home with the kids and the driver. I went with Mom, and our guide to ride the subway into the town center. I wanted to buy a Starbucks Nanjing cup, and shop for baby cloths (for the orphanage) at WalMart. I am going with my Mom and Nicole to visit the orphanage in the morning. We are not going to take Sarah back because she is just too shaken up. Tonight Juergen and I gave her a bath. She cried because I was in the room. I just kept handing her toys. She rejected them! Then Juergen held her while I rubbed lotion on her dry skin. She actually loves the lotion, but protested it being applied by the big old monster (me)!
I had a very good day seeing Nanjing. It is an amazing place. I enjoyed my time with Jessica and my Mom. I'm amazed at how big and modern it is! The rejection is very hard for me to take, and it's also hard on Juergen. He is very tired! She is very demanding, an he is getting tired of it! Someone on our guest book reminded me to pray! I can not read you blog comments, but I read the guest book! Thank you for your advice. I really want to cry! I am not super human, and her rejection is very very mean! Only God can give me the self control, wisdom, and love to overcome this coldness. I hope you will also pray for her. It is so hard for her to bond to so many people. She seems to reject all the women in our group. I guess if her Nanny's could give her away, why should she accept another woman? God can cause her to soften her heart towards me... I am the best friend she could ever have. If she only knew how I fought for her... and how I fight for her still!
Tomorrow at 9 am I will leave for the orphanage (God willing). I have a very large list of names (12 names) of waiting kids. I really hope I can take a photo of each child. I will not know until they allow me to take the photos. Believe me, I hope and pray they will allow it! I remember how special each and every photo was to me while I waited! I'm so grateful to every traveling family who gave me these special treasures! I know Sarah will get past this coldness. Everything is so confusing for her. None of this sours me on our future together! This is not a place to stop, just a thing to pass through. I hope I can deliver new photos to each family on my list. I will rejoice with you!!!

The past 24 hours were very hard for me. Sarah is rejecting everyone but Juergen She is very shaken. She saw her nanny again, and then another woman we think was a teacher from the children’s home stopped her on the street and began talking with her. She will not come to me. She cries for Juergen even when he closes the door to use the toilet. She has diarrhea very bad. She doesn’t feel very good. I am trying not to take the rejection too seriously. Both boys did the same thing. It isn’t easy, but I understand how hard this is for her. We are making her accept food only from me. She doesn’t like this at all. She is very stubborn. Still, hunger is stronger then pride. She will eat with great protest! Her body language is very clear. She turns from me in the elevator. She clings to Juergen. She gives me dirty looks, like she absolutely will not like me! I think this kind of behavior would just kill a first time parent. Believe me, I do not love it. I basically try to put my own emotions on a shelf. I am sweet and kind to her. I let her have Juergen. I am spending time with the other kids. When she wants to eat, I feed her. When she eats I praise her. The rest of the time, I act like I do not notice her rejection, I try to act normal. This isn’t easy, and I hate it, but I’ve done this before. I know what to do. I figure she will have to accept me when Juergen goes back to Germany. If she doesn’t accept me, I guess it will be like forcing medicine down a kids throat. Not fun, but you do what you have to do!
Yesterday I fell and had to go to the hospital. I got an x-ray. Thank God nothing is broken. I’m very sore, but much better today. When I have more time I will write more about the hospital that was interesting! We go to a park soon. Mom and I took Jessica out for a long walk this morning. We had a great time! Here are some photos from our walk.