I've had another really hard morning. Juergen has taken the kids to church (including Sarah). We take turns taking the kids to church each week. It would be really nice to be able to attend together, but there are no programs for our autistic daughter Jessica. When we lived in the USA we attended a pretty large church. There was a very wonderful woman who took care of Jessica every Sunday so Juergen and I could be in church together. That was great. Our church is pretty large by German standards, but there are no programs for the disabled. Any way, I am home. I had a hard morning of rejection. Juergen had on a nice shirt. I'm sure Sarah thought he was going away. She clung to him, and rejected me. I could not stand to look at her, because it's so painful to see her eyes so filled with fear and rejection. I'm beginning to realize how much I'm basing my self worth on Sarah’s moods. If she is nice to me I'm happy, and if she is mean to me I get depressed. I did not adopt this child to feel good about myself! I felt good about myself before I adopted her! I have a husband, and children, family and friends that love me! My God loves me! As much as I desire Sarah’s love and approval, I have no control over this. I need to find a way to disconnect myself from her ups and downs. This has been a nightmare ride! I hate it! I don't need it! I have to find a way to stop caring about what she thinks of me. How do I do this? This is the million dollar question. How?