This was sent to me by my Aunt Pat. I thought it was pretty good.
POSITION : Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa,
Pop
JOB DESCRIPTION : Long term, team players needed, for
challenging permanent work in an often chaotic
environment. Candidates must possess excellent
communication and organizational skills and be willing
to work variable hours, which will include evenings
and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some
overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless
sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses
not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also
required.
RESPONSIBILITIES : The rest of your life. Must be
willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until
someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue
repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of
a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in
three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams
from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical
challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously
sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone
calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of
multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan
and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages
and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be
indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated
devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared
for the worst. Must assume final, complete
accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION : None. Your
job is to remain in the same position for years,
without complaining, constantly retraining and
updating your skills, so that those in your charge can
ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE : None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually
exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION : Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon
payment is due when they turn 18 because of the
assumption that college will help them become
financially independent. When you die, you give them
whatever is left. The oddest thing about this
reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it
and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS : While no health or dental insurance, no
pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays
and no stock options are offered; this job supplies
limitless opportunities for personal growth and free
hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
