Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.

- Murphy's Technology Laws.

I'm suppose to be even tempered, calm and loving. I should not show too much emotion around Sarah. Today I find this to be an impossible task. I can not even look at her without breaking into tears. The pain is so raw and it's right on the surface. It bleeds out of me. I can not contain it! I went to Church this morning, but could not manage to go in. Allot of people care about me there. they would ask me one by one how I am. I have not got the strength to explain my self over and over. I know no one could comfort me. There are no words. I feel like Elijah, I want to hide in a cave. I just want to sleep. I begged Juergen to just take her someplace. Get her out of here. I can not pretend to be "normal", I am deeply sad. My heart feels so heavy. I just can not hide this pain.

It's Sunday morning. Juergen is in the bigger bed in Sarah's room cuddling with Philip and Sarah. It is a very sweet picture. The only problem is I am not welcome. A giant wave of black ugly jealousy washes over me. I need to pray for help to push this dark self pity away. I'm glad she loves her daddy. He is the most wonderful man. I love him too. This is not the problem. I am not welcome to cuddle with her. I am not even invited to hold her hand. She is his daughter. She is mine too...but only on paper. It was easier to wait for her before we had our TA (travel approval). She has been with us for almost 3 weeks now. I am still waiting for her acceptance, and it hurts me to see her give her love to Juergen so freely while I am still waiting! God bless her future, and give me the strength to love her when she does not love me! Again I remember God loved us long before we loved him.

It is Saturday and I was laying in bed thinking. I was glad not to have to wake up in a hurry and get anyone off to school. I was also happy I didn’t have to spend the day alone with my “charming” new daughter. It makes me sad to write that, but I know it won’t always be this way. I thought I should make a slideshow today of photos I have of my Mom in China. My Mom was a great help to us. I am very grateful she was with us! You see, Sarah still clings to Juergen like she was someone drowning in water. She rarely relaxes and just plays when he is around. Sarah just cries and clings! It was not like that with my Mom. With grandma she was both safe and relaxed. I saw the best of her when she was with my Mom. My Mom has advised me to try to just “be there” for Sarah. I should not show too much emotion, but I should not chase after her begging for her attention. I should just be there. Eventually Sarah will feel safe with me. Eventually she will trust me. It worked with my Mom.
My poor Mom left Shanghai on only 3 hours of sleep. Her flight from Tokyo was over booked. She was bumped from the flight. Then the airline (NORTHWEST) herded her to another flight. She ended up going to Hawaii, and it took about 28 hours for her to get home. She was not fed, she was placed in a zero star hotel, and could not even make a phone call! She was not even offered free tickets! It was a nightmare!!! She scarifies a great deal for this new grandchild. I will never forget our adventure in China! Thank you Mom! I also want to thank my Dad, brother, and sisters. They cleaned the house, and garden, baked apple pie, arranged transportation from the airport, and even bought a butterfly balloon for Sarah. I’m glad I didn’t need to fly directly to Portland ,Oregon, but I would have had my wonderful family waiting for me. Now we just need to teach Sarah she also has a family who is going to be there for her! I am so grateful I have a family that loves me!

I just spent a very nice 1 1/2 hours with Thomas, Philip, and Sarah in the garden playing with water. They began playing with water in the bath room. I came in and stopped that mess. I said they should come to the garden. Sarah didn't understand, and acted like I was going to kill her. I had to pull her cloths off as she screamed. Then I set up the buckets of water, and she played her little heart out. The boys loved it too! They kept saying "Mom look at this"! "Mom, look at me"!!! I think it's getting very hard to hate me! She gave me a kiss when Juergen came home. She acts like I send him away, and I bring him back. Maybe she believes this? I don't know? Anyway, it was very nice. I don't think it's going to make her love me, but someday she will have to acknowledge I'm not the awful monster she believes me to be!!!

So here we are again. We thought we would be smart this morning and take her out from the start. Juergen put her in the car. He got in his own car and drove away. She screamed and would not stop screaming! She also would not stay in her car seat. I could not drive anywhere. I wanted to take her to the zoo. I could not take her anywhere, not in this hysterical screaming state! I'm sure some good citizen would call the police. I would need to prove I was not kidnapping her. Kidnapping is how it feels. This morning at breakfast, Sarah kept telling Juergen "Papa, Mama"! Like Papa please be my Mama! She does not want me! What am I to do? I feel like all I can do is hold on and ride out this storm. I may never understand why she has chosen to reject me so completely! She has determined in her little mind she will not love me. Anyone else, but not me! I sure hope she applies this amazing determination towards a good and noble cause one day. What strength she has! What a will!!! She is no wall flower! She is a giant, fierce
and loyal, in the body of a 4 year old. She has survived 4 years in an institution with out a family. Trust, real trust does not come easy to her! I can not help but think of all the people in this world who strongly reject the love of God. He also waits for those He loves so deeply to acknowledge his love! I am tired, but I am also determined. I also have a will, and it is very strong! She is a noble cause, and I'm not going anywhere!

This is the best of yesterday. Here we go again!

This morning began as I imagined it would. Juergen walked out the door and a terrified Sarah cried for 3 hours. My nerves were fried. She kept walking to the door and calling for her Papa. She would receive no food, drink or comfort from me. When I spoke it seemed to bother her even more, so I kept quiet. I cleaned the kitchen, the dining room, and the living room. I gave her space. She knew I was there, but she wanted nothing from me. Finally I made myself some tea. I took some Aspirin, and I sat in the living room to try to relax. I turned on God TV. Ulf Ekmann was preaching. The very first words I heard him speak were “Perhaps you are a child that feels rejected by your parents, or even a parent that feels rejected by your child”, I said “that would be me”!!! He led in a prayer for forgiveness, and blessing. I prayed for Sarah that God would bless her future. That He would help her in this very difficult time of transition, and that He would give me wisdom and help. I decided to take her out of the house. I had to carry her to the car kicking and screaming. Feeling like you need to kidnap your own daughter is about one of the worst feelings I have ever felt in my life. Something’s you just do because you know they are right…despite how it feels! First I drove her to McDonalds for a cherry shake. It had worked yesterday. I had hoped it might work today - and it did. She took the shake. She calmed down. I decided to take her to Toys-R-Us. I wanted to buy something for the boys. They were so good in Nanjing. She would not take my hand, but she did follow me into the store. I picked some Lego out for the boys. That actually relaxed her. I guess she knew she would actually be seeing them again. I think a great deal of her fear comes from not really knowing what part of this dream is going to last. She does not trust it. Then I tried tempting her with a toy. At first she would not be tempted. The answer was “no”!!! We kept walking. But her will weakened. We got to the princess dolls and it was just too much for her. She submitted to let me buy her a Bell baby doll that included a small tea set. Still, she would not carry the doll, or show any joy. Then we stopped by a bike path so Mickey our dog could get a walk. There were dandelions everywhere. I blew a dandelion, and that won me my first smile of the day. We ran from dandelion to dandelion. She was very happy. She did not want to stop. I finally needed to stop because Philip would be coming home from School. When we got home, we opened her doll. I set up a little tea party. I brought chairs, and other dolls. I put fresh strawberries and cookies and even a piece of chocolate on the table. She ate and played. She was laughing and playing when Philip got home. She continued to play when Thomas got home. Then by 2 pm she got very tired and began to reject me again. I laid her down in Philips bed and Philip laid down with her. She was asleep in two minutes. When she woke up she followed Philip around like he was Juergen. She rejected me all over again. Around 5pm she began to get sad again. I took her and Philip out with Mickey for another dandelion walk. That went well. After the walk I went to the store to buy ice-cream because it’s pretty warm today. Juergen was home when we arrived. I feel relieved to have survived this day. I hope she does not give me such a hard time tomorrow. I don’t expect it to be easy, but maybe easier. I’m really worried about Thomas. He looks like he lost Daddy, and now Philip. I feel rejected, but I have a lot of friends and support so I’m handling it. He (Thomas) feels rejected, but does not have the foundation to do anything but fall! We need allot of wisdom and love to help him through this time too!

http://www.attach-china.org/
I just started reading this web site. I am actually having a very hard day today. Dealing with this rejection is SOOOOOO HARD! it seems like the only place I have to be alone is in the bath tub. And so I take allot of baths trying to relax and pray. I cry so hard. I am so tired! I feel like I have no strength or ideas. Then I find a small piece of wisdom...just a crumb to work with. I decided I should kidnap my daughter and take her with Nicole to buy some plants for the garden. The weather is wonderful, and my garden is terribly neglected. Juergen was nervous. I felt that at the very least it would give him some time to be alone with the boys. Maybe Sarah could get to know Nicole. She cried the first 10 mins in the car. She held Nicole's hand. I drove through McDonalds and bought her a cherry shake. She calmed down. She would not take my hand, but she was good for Nicole. We saw rabbits and birds and fish. Then we bought tomato plants, peppers, and some herbs. I also went to the food store and bought food for tomorrow. I'm not sure she will let me take her out tomorrow. I bought a baby bottle too. She is too old for a bottle, but feeding her a bottle is a form of bonding therapy. We did this with Thomas when he was 7 years old. He would lay in our arms and drink a bottle with us . We held the bottle and he had to look into our eyes. I thought I might try it with Sarah. I don't think she will let me hold her...but maybe she will?
Our friends and neighbors came over and gave Sarah her first real present. She was not very sure of what to do with the wrapped box. I'm so grateful I am not alone in all of this. I'm so grateful for the love and concern I receive from so many people! I found this song on a readers blog. It also blesses me, and adds to my courage. I could use all the courage I can find!



"People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true friends: succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; be honest anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; be happy anyway. The good you do today , people will often forget tomorrow; do good anyway. Give the world YOUR best anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; it was never between you that them anyway." -Mother Teresa

When I look back at my last few posts I think someone who doesn't really know me might think I'm losing it! It's actually not true. I'm a bit sad and we are in a stressful time but I'm stable. I also think it looks like I don't even like my daughter. I have to tell you honestly I hate this clingy insecure behavior she is exhibiting all the time. It is painful to watch, and painful to live with. I have seen her (thank God) relaxed and fully animated. I think we got one of the finest kids in China. It does hurt me that she still does not want me to be her Mom. It hurts that she doesn't claim her sisters (who are so very wonderful). I realize we will get through all of this, and people will envy us for the charming sweetheart we have in Sarah. Today is Juergens last day home. I hate the thought of watching her cry tears of panic and loss again in the morning. If I did not love her, it would not hurt me so deeply! We will find our way with each other. When my Mom left the hotel in Shanghai, Sarah cried for hours. She would not be comforted. She clung to the door and cried. It broke my heart...my heart is breaking still. I hate tomorrow! Eventually she calmed down. Eventually she eat. Eventually she played with me, and began accepting me. It simply is the only way. I would rather cut off my arm then have to see her heart broken again. In a few weeks I hope she will finally feel safe! The video is from the hotel in Shanghai. This is Sarah finally relaxing with me after my Mom left and I was all she had. Please just pray for us tomorrow. There is no way of explaining to her Daddy goes away, and then he comes back. She (and unfortunately I) must live through it.

Juergen and I tried to feed Sarah early, give her a bath and put her to bed so that we could enjoy a somewhat "normal" family dinner. It looked like our plan was working. She fell asleep with both of us in the room. We are trying to do these things together. Sarah of course would prefer to have Juergen feed her, give her a bath, and put her to bed but we both feel we must be firm on our both doing this. Unfortunately Sarah woke up about 10 minutes after she had fallen asleep! Nicole could not hide her disappointment. She hardly eat any dinner. I eat none! Sarah was very tired and wanted to dominate everything. The boys also began to act up because they wanted their Dads attention (they need his attention). I picked Sarah up and brought her to bed. I stayed with her as she cried herself to sleep. Juergen was at least able to put the boys to bed.

I'm getting allot of advice about attachment disorders. I'm hoping this is a short process we are living through, but I realize it could be a longer term process we must fight our way through. I guess it's too early to tell. Two things stick out in my mind. Number one is this really stinks! I am the only person who has been with her everyday for the past two weeks, and she acts like she hates me! She went to sleep, but would not even allow me to place a blanket on her! Believe me I know the girl does not realize what she is doing. She is a scared insecure 4 year old who is just reacting. I am the grownup who must not "react" but must be consistently loving. OK, I get it! OK, I'm doing it...but I'm telling you it STINKS!!! Number two is how strongly I feel I need to draw some lines so that my other children do not get to hurt in this transition. I'm sure putting Sarah to bed did not win me any points with Sarah, but somehow I must protect the other kids. They must get a piece of their dad. I need a piece of him too. I will order the books on attachment and read the articles, if I learn anything I will pass it on. I see her as someone who needs to find her place in our family. She is not the Queen (that is my place) and she is not the only child, and not the only daughter. I would be more then happy to share my life with Sarah, but I am really having a hard time with her desperate need to take over everything! I know, I know I'm probably over reacting. After all she just got home, and she is so scared and confused. But honest to goodness, it seems like she plain wants to take over everything! A very Hugh part of me wants to yell "back off sister" "stand in line and take your turn"!!!

The weather here in Germany is very good. Juergen took Philip, Thomas and Sarah to the park. Jessica and Nicole didn't want to go, so I stayed behind to care for Jessica. I guess Sarah really loved the Merry go round!
I feel the bond between Sarah and Juergen growing stronger and stronger...and it hurts to be standing on the outside. It hurts to see Jessica and Nicole also feeling "outside". I know it just takes time, but this two families thing is really killing me! It has always been a challenge to pull us all together because Jessica is always trying to take a different route. Oh this is hard!

After our shopping trip in Guangzhou(April 19TH)Sarah plays with her new fan and hat. She can be such a doll! Maybe time is the only thing that will cause this sweetheart to really feel secure. She can be so amazing when she feels safe! I hate being the one who has to remain with her while the ones she has chosen to trust (Juergen & Mom) walk out the door! I really hate the thought of seeing her heart break again on Thursday! I see no other answer...Juergen must come and go enough times before she finally understands he always comes back. It all makes me appreciate Gods steadfast love and patience with us. We chase after so many other things when our real peace can only be found in Him! I will stand with her Thursday and everyday. She may never appreciate me, but I love her. My heart already breaks at the thought of seeing her fear again.

Thank you for your constant words of support and encouragement. I really do gather strenght and help from you. One person wrote this is not about me it's all about Sarah. On this point I must agree and disagree! Yes it's about Sarah who is a stressed out four year old in major transition. Yes we must do all we can to help her through this stressful time. But Sarah stresses our whole family out! We have four other children who desperately need calm stability. Thomas (now almost 10 years old adopted when he was almost 7) is very stressed out! He has always been a daddy's boy. I think the other 3 are more Mommy's kids. Sarah's constant clinging to Juergen and sadness stires up allot of insecurity in Thomas. While Sarah grieves the loss of what she lost, I believe Thomas is now grieving again for what He never had! He never had a nanny who loved him. He kissed that children's home goodbye and never wanted to look back! I'm sorry but this painful process is not all about Sarah, it is all about our whole family. Somehow we need wisdom to bring Sarah into our whole family, and she can not dominate everything. Juergen goes to work on Thursday. I'm already scared to death of how she will react on Thursday when He goes, and everyone else goes and I am all she has. We had a real battle this morning to basically make her accept her breakfast from me. All food will now come from me! I dressed her too with Juergens help. She absolutely doesn't want anything from me. I know in a perfect world we could just wait until she was ready to give me her trust, but Thursday is coming...and daddy must go back to work!

After our lunch at Lucy's we went shopping. It was really the only chance we got to shop! Sarah loved it. She got new squeaky shoes (two pair) and dolls,and a new jacket. I also managed to get a few things for the rest of the family. Mom was also able to buy some silk. I really wanted to buy a pearl for myself but it just didn't work out. God reminds me that Sarah is my pearl, and Philip is my only diamond (Philips Thai name means diamond).

We had lunch with the Cline family at Lucy's cafe. That was very special! They just adopted their 2nd child Ethan who is a real charmer. He developed some sudden unexpected health problems, and his Mom and Dad needed to rush through all the paperwork in I think 5 days (it usually takes 10+ days). They were fighting for their new boy like two bull dogs. I was so blessed to meet them and pray with them! I expect to see great things from their wonderful intelligent little boy! They see a neurosurgeon on Thursday. Please remember to lift up this family in your prayers. They also have a long journey ahead of them before they can be in a normal calm home! I just love their total commitment to this boy God has given them! You had to be there to see how charming and smart he really is!



sorry the video was shot sideways.

Sarah did our hair for us with butterfly clips while we waited in the van.

It's about 4pm here in Germany (10pm in China). Juergen took Sarah and Philip to IKEA to buy a cabinet that has a lock on it. Jessica is getting into all the DVDs and other stuff. We want to lock them up before she ruins everything. I was sitting with Nicole and telling her about my "fun" day with Sarah. She clings to Juergen for dear life, and crys every time I even dare look at her. Believe me this is a major challenge to my fragile ego! I told Nicole I hope it's not me she is screeching at...but just that I remind her that she lost her nanny. Nicole reassured me it was not me, or they would also be screeching at me too! Thanks Cole!!! Juergen was at the birth of Jessica and Nicole. He will tell you Jessica's birth was hard, but Nicole's was easy. I was there too...and I will tell you I felt the contractions. Jessica's birth was harder, but believe me it hurt when Nicole was born! He did not feel those contractions, I did! He does not get the rejection, I do! I may understand it, but I also feel it! I may hope it's going to pass, but believe me it hurts! It has hurt for awhile, and it hurts today! I look at her pictures and recall how charming and sweet she can be towards me! It is like living with Jekyll and Hide. Please someone tell me how wonderful I am...my ego needs some major boosting! I am so not deserving of this rejection!!!

After the medical exam our guide took us to the US Embassy to make sure our papers were in order for our consulate appointment the next day. Then we went to IKEA to eat some lunch. This was the first time Sarah really allowed me to feed her. She also played a kind of hide and seek-peek a boo game with me.She loved the orange soda, and it was her first time using a straw.

On our first day in Guangzhou Sarah needed to get a simple medical exam as part of her American citizenship visa application. She was in a surprisingly good mood. She was charming and very animated. I got lots of smiles and even kisses. She still would not allow me to hold her hand, or take her to the toilet. Still I felt very encouraged.