This was our first breakfast in Guangzhou at McDonald's. A few days before I tried to get her to eat the pancakes but she wouldn't (pride). On this day she loved them. She also loved to use a knife and fork!

"Home is where your story begins", this is a comment left by Juliette. I slept from about 8:30pm until /7:30am and I could have easily slept more. I am emotionally and physically exhausted and I am glad Juergen is giving me the chance to recover. He is sitting at his desk now, trying to clear his calendar at work so he can stay at home. Sarah hangs on him. I'm sure she would not accept my care just yet. But she is also exhausted and needs some time and distance to relax. As many of you wrote, I am the person that reminds her of what she has lost. I'm certain she will be too busy experiencing the wonderful new life, she will soon forget what was lost. Today I will try to get a cable to transfer all my photos and video of Sarah. You can begin to catch a glimpse of my amazingly beautiful daughter. I have been honest with you about how hard this has been. I stood in the kitchen this morning making my coffee. I remembered a friend of mine who spent the last 3 months of her pregnancy in the hospital. It was tuff. It took a long time for them to get over the stress of that pregnancy. But their son is amazing, and you don't dwell on the pain, you rejoice in the child! I wish it hadn't been so hard (and still is hard). This is a birthing process. She is a Pearl of great price, and I would do it all again...I have a great treasure in Sarah.

I survived the airport just fine. Sarah and I played peek a boo with each other while we stood in line. I'm sure she entertained the many waiting passengers. she wore her new pink squeaky shoes. They have little white butterflies on the sides. I thought it was appropriate. The trouble began because the flight was so late. she gets really sad when she is tired. she refused to allow me to hold her. She would not sit in her stroller. When we finally checked in for the flight it was almost 11:30pm. I had so much to carry on, I made the mistake of allowing an overly kind Chinese women to carry Sarah to the plane. When this women placed Sarah in her chair, she screamed her head off. The airline flight attendant rushed to pick Sarah up and bring her to this women. Then another flight attendant yelled at me to please switch my seat! Then the women who carried Sarah to the plane announced very loudly in Chinese Sarah was not her daughter. The over crowded plane filled with Chinese people bust into laughter. I thought I would die from embarrassment! Then the Chinese flight attendants held and coddled Sarah. I had to pry her from them. They tried to make me allow this over helpful Chinese mother to care for Sarah on the flight. I had to yell at them to let Sarah stay with me. The helpful mother would get off the flight in the morning, and Sarah would need to stay with me. She did not need another caretaker walk away from her! Sarah calmed down until another overly helpful Asian women directly behind us began feeding her cookies, and holding her hand. Then she rejected me completely! She cried off and on all night. I am sure she cried for her nanny. The airplane landed in Frankfurt and all the well meaning women disembarked. Sarah screamed uncontrollably. I stared at the flight attendant who had tears in her eyes. She finally understood why I did not want them to bond with my daughter. They walked away, and she was so grieved. I was so angry!
I walked directly to the passport control office and begged them for a visa for Sarah. She needed to go home. She was so exhausted and confused. We both just needed to be home! Miracle of miracles is they gave Sarah a visa to Germany. I canceled my flight to Portland. I am typing this from my own desk. I have allot of details to cover about what has happened in the past few days. I also have allot of great photos and video (I hope I can get a cable for my camera, so I can transfer the pictures). For now I just wanted to praise God for the chance to be here. I don't think I could have handled another 4 hour layover and another 12 hour flight with my poor confused daughter. We had both reached the end of our rope! Sarah kissed me when she saw Juergen. Now that she is home she is rejecting me again. I'm not a monster, and I find it entirely unfair that she treats me so badly! When will we ever find our new normal? They called her nanny "momma". She will not allow me to be her mama. All those Asian women only reminded her of this loss. When will she ever allow me to be a part of her future? We are home, but we have allot of miles to travel before Sarah really feels safe!

This will be my final post from China. I am happy to say I am writing this with Sarah in my lap. We have spent the past hour reading my blog. Before the blog, we played with play dough. She has really warmed to me this afternoon. She is getting very tired. She missed her nap. I'm hoping I can get her to stay awake one more hour, then we will go to the airport. She gets sad and nervous when she is tired. She just got off my lap.Maybe we had better take a nap first! Pray for me friends. I would love to do more then survive the next day. I hope I will finally gain the trust of my sweet Sarah.

I haven't been able to phone Juergen on the skype phone. He has called me a few times. I just begged him to call the hotel and ask them to let me stay until 9pm. I hope Sarah will be close to sleeping then and I'll manage to check us in without a 4 hour drama in the airport! I don't have a credit card so I can not do this myself. I ordered room service. Sarah would not touch her food for the first half hour. Now by some miracle she is calming down and eating her hamburger and fries. She is even dipping the fries in ketchup. This is the calmest she has been today.I had green tea and aspirin for lunch. Who needs weight watchers? I think the best weight loss program is stress. I'm sure I've lost 10 pounds since I came to China! I really know that the very worst of this is nearly over. Once we get Sarah home, she will be fine. She and I have been tossed around for weeks with no real peace. We both just need to be home. I'm so glad that even if I can not stay in Germany, I will be in Oregon on Sunday. When I can share this load, and joy with my parents I will have rest. Sarah is a joy. I wish I had a cable to download the video and pictures I've taken of this amazing sweet monkey. You could not imagine what a joy she can be. Today I will be leaving China with one of the finest treasures. She truly is a pearl of great price. Again I thank God for this beautiful beautiful child!

Hi, I am in the room in the Ramada Pudong airport hotel. My mom left this morning and Sarah is crying. There is not much I've been able to do to calm her down. I called a member of the staff to try to explain to Sarah I will be taking her to her grandma on the airplane,but they just don't understand how to do it. Their English is very simple. They only try to comfort her. She wants to attach to them. It only makes everything worse. Sarah has very bad diarrhea and has gone through all her clean unaware. I have none left. I am giving her peto, and she had a banana. She let me help her in the toilet. That's a step in the right direction. I wish she would accept my help. We have had many great days together. We were smiling and playing, but all the care , feeding her dressing her and putting her to bed was done by my Mom. Sarah would not even let me hold her hand as we walked down the street. She crys for Mom, and she just does not understand it is only a short goodbye. I was winning her trust little by little. I need a great deal of prayer to get through the next 24 hours. I must check out of the hotel by 6 pm. My plane does not leave until almost midnight. I have no idea what I will do with this screaming crying child in the airport for almost 6 hours. I could not have wished this for her. I've seen her cry 3 times. First for her nanny, then Juergen, now my Mom. My heart is sick, my strength is weak, I have ot eaten or slept well, I have to spend an entire day with Sarah on the airplane. I know she will be happy once she sees my Mom again. I'm sure it will be OK when I finally get her home. But today the storm is very dark, and I must do this alone. God give my help! God comfort this poor confused girl!

Juergen's post: Unfortunately, it didn't work out with the German visa so now Amy and Sarah have to fly to Frankfurt on Sunday, wait for 4 hours and then immediately fly to the US. That are very many hours for Amy and our little Sarah...
Sarah is slowly warming up to Amy. Sarah is very animated, very excited to explore her new life. They went shopping and got shoes for Sarah. She loved them so much that she kisses them and holds them when she goes to bed. She is totally excited about all the new stuff she is seeing and doing. And she is warming up more and more to Amy. But when Grandma is not there, Sarah still immediately falls back into her old state of rejection of Amy. Amy cannot even sit her on the toilet without her crying. This will be a challenge when they have to fly, just the two of them, for a total of 24 hours! Luckily there are a few more days left to build some bond.

The hotel in Guangzhou is really bad but now they are on their last day. At the time of this post, they will be all packed and ready to go to the last appointment at the US consulate (14:00) and then be taken directly to the airport. Tonight they will arrive in Shanghai and then stay at a 'good hotel' again so Amy will be online again.

But in spite of some difficulty here, we realize that we still are doing well. During this week in Guangzhou there was another family who picked up their little boy (their second child). They started the adoption process also about a year ago. Just a few days before they were to pick up their new son, he got sick and developed fluids in his brains that are building up. I don't remember what it was called but it is a very serious and normally deadly disease. They rushed through the whole process in one week and are now on their way back to the US. Immediately after arriving there he must have an operation. This family is fighting so much for the life of their new son. Compared to that we are very well off ...

Juergen again:
Today is the big business day where Amy needs to accomplish all paperwork in the US embassy and go to the German embassy to try to get a visa for Sarah (so she doesn't have to go to the US right away). After two hours of frantic phone calls (from 1:00 to 3:00 am) this now seems possible (luckily I am still on Shanghai time :-).
The hotel they are staying at is a 'challenge' (very mildly put). It seems that only 1 person there speaks english, the internet still doesn't work, the phone has only chinese on it and no one could explain to Amy yet how to use the phone to be able to call anyone. So I called her, called our agent (from the adoption agency), called her again etc. to set an appointment where they could meet. That sounds easy enough, doesn't it?
Well, the hotel people have told our agent several times that Amy does not stay in the hotel anymore and the room is now taken by someone else. Then the agency sent a person to the hotel directly and they told them the same and told them to go away. Then I finally get through on the phone and they tell me "the lady doesn't want phone calls, we cannot put you through". But Amy was just there and told them the opposite "please let my agent throuhg to call me". When I told them I am the husband, suddendly they say "OK" and ... suprise ... Amy does indeed still stay in the room where she was supposed to be, even though the hotel staff had just said before that Amy had left the hotel the day before. All this time I am thinking "Amy is lost in China and I have no way to contact her".
We are learning a lot of things on this trip. If you ever go to China, consider this: (1) never stay in a hotel that is less than 4 stars, (2) never assume any taxi driver speaks English, (3) always have a cell phone that works (you can rent them there).

Anyway, after some hectic phone calls she is now on her trip to the embassies. I hope that we will have the news tonight that she managed to get the German visa (the American paperwork is no problem).

Hi, this is Juergen writing. Amy is currently 'offline' as you might have guessed. People have been worried that there was no post for a few days. The reason is that Amy cannot get the internet to work in the new hotel. I just finally managed to reach her and will just give you some quick updates until she gets back online on Saturday:

To come to the core point: Sarah is much better already. Amy felt she got a wall of rejection before (the "wall of china") but now there is a big crack. Getting on the plane was hard as it was to be expected. Amy had this piece of paper that said in Chinese something like "I am not kidnapping this kid but have adopted it. She is still afraid and has to get used to me. I am not really a bad person ... ". She had to use this paper several times in the airport because people (and some security guys) came looking what was up with the screaming baby that screams in very clear chinese "I don't want this mommy ...". In the end a woman approached them that was really helpful. She talked to Sarah a lot and actually also got on the same plane. Sarah calmed down a lot and seemed to understand the first time what was happening.

When they got to Guangzhou, they were picked up by the local adoption guide (of our agency IAAP).
The place is a zoo right now. For those in Germany, it can be compared to the Hannover 'Cebit' fair. During that time the whole city is in 'emergency mode': All hotels are booked, you can't get a taxi, everything is 5 times as expensive ... It makes sense that IAAP normally doesn't let people travel at this time. Amy had to walk for two hours and saw hundreds of taxis go by and no one stopped. And no one seems to speak English there (Shanghai is bad enough). The city is totally Chinese. On top of it, the internet doesn't work in the room, which also means no emails, posts and no Skype phone calls. And she didn't manage to find an internet cafe in that area.

But during all this, Sarah has warmed up to her Mommy a lot. She already kind of accepted her grandma but now she is much more relaxed with Amy, she actually hugged and kissed her a few times. But she also swings back to the old state of fear and distance. I think it will take a few more days. At least I am very much relieved that Sarah has changed so fast. It will be exciting to see the real Sarah come out in the next few weeks.

Currently we are trying to get a German visa for Sarah as well. This will allow Sarah to be in Germany for a few months before Amy will take her to the U.S. to finish the American citizenship process. Otherwise they would have to immediately go on to Portland, USA and spend another week travelling, with jet lag, without any normalicy ... I hope and pray very much that we get the German visa.
Now it just so happens that a friend of mine from our church works directly for the German Foreign Policy Spokesman in the German government who happens to know the ambassador to China in Guangzhou very well. So he did send a letter to ask for expedited handling of our case (we need the visa in several hours instead of several days). This should really help. Thank God for connections :-)

Amy will be back online on Saturday. I am sure you will see the 'monster post' then with all that happened in between. Thanks for everyone who is supporting us.

We had a little breakthrough this afternoon. For some reason my blog actually could be viewed. First of all, thank you for all the encouraging words and comments. You bless me, and God knows I needed your words of encouragement. Sarah was super stressed out because Juergen and I are stressed packing, and sad about a lack of a visa. I went to take a hot bath. Juergen showed Sarah my blog. She loved all the photos and videos. She was naming all of the people in her family, and smiling and talking. It looked like we had turned a big corner! She let me take her picture. She was so relaxed and excited. Then we took her and Jessica to lunch. She gave me big smiles, and even offered me kisses. Juergen and I thought we needed to build on this. We wanted to just go ahead and take the whole family to Guangzhou, and face the German school situation later! The problem is, there are no flights to Guangzhou. They are all booked because of the trade fair. I could not even find one ticket for Nicole! I looked for hours, I tried so hard. I do not want to take Sarah away from Juergen. It seems so cruel. I know I am not mean, but I'm sure nothing I say or do will convince Sarah of this. I'm sure my mom will manage to comfort her, but will she ever trust me. She is very stressed out. She realizes something is up. She cried herself to sleep. She rejected me again. I think she knows she will lose her daddy.
A friend of ours with connections in German politics is trying to pull some strings for us. Perhaps we can manage a visa to Germany. I fully intend to follow through on Sarah's American citizenship process.I am happy to go to the USA, I just hope I can go in a few months. With out a visa, I will fly to Portland on Sunday(I have the tickets). Tickets can be changed! Please pray we get a visa, and pray for our poor Sarah. I hate having to take her from Juergen. I'm so sad about what I must do in the morning. Juergen flies home with the kids tomorrow. Everyone is very stressed out. It is always hard to fly with Jessica, so please remember to pray for them too. I guess we will all get through this difficult time. I would be so blessed if I could just go home!

I had nightmares all night. I woke up at 4:30 and went and cried on my Mom's shoulder. I can not tell you how thankful I am that she is here with us. I never imagined I would need her like I do. I prayed this morning, I pray all the time. It is so clear to me I am not alone. I feel like I am carrying the bulk of this trail, but I am not alone. My hands still feel a great deal of pain. It's actually funny that it's both my hands. It makes me think of Moses in the wilderness. His arms got weak, and he needed others to lift his hands up for him. As long as his hands were raised up, Israel won the battle. When he lowered his hands the battle would turn agents them. He needed people to stand by him. Thank you for helping me fight this battle by praying for me. I am also grateful that Juergen stands next to me. It has been so stressful for us, but we are not divided. My mom will continue with me as I take Sarah to Guangzhou. I am also thinking of taking Nicole (my very noble and wonderful friend and daughter). On the one hand she is just a girl (only 13 years old) and I am afraid it will be stressful for her. Her school is very hard, but it's a private school and we think her director will give her a few extra days. The other kids attend public school, and it is not possible for them to stay. Sarah's real problem seems to be me. They said I would be her mother. She doesn't want to have me forced upon her. I think tomorrow will be very hard. We will probably need to rip her from Juergens arms. I don't think she will come to me...but she is willing to go to grandma and probably even Nicole. It kills me, but I can not force myself upon her. I want to make it as easy on her as I can.
This morning we went to the Germany embassy to try to get a visitor visa for Sarah. It did not work. They would not give us a visa. Now I need to come to the USA. I fly back to Frankfurt on Saturday night. I will not be allowed to leave the airport. I will need to find a connecting flight to Oregon. I am so tired , and it is nearly impossible for Juergen and I to hide our stress. Sarah is a wreck. She follows Juergen around the apartment panicked! I have a legal right to take this child, but she has not given me permission to take her. We will have our guide try to explain to her what is about to take place. How do you explain to a four year old her new daddy is about to be ripped away from her side and she will need to fly to the other end of China for a few days, and then to Germany and then the USA? Someone explain it to me?

Sarah actually called me Mama today! It was when Juergen and I were about to leave her with my Mom so we could go out to coffee. We wanted to have a planning meeting. We don't get any chance to talk alone because Sarah will not leave his side for two seconds. Believe me, Juergen is wonderful, but this is getting a bit sick!!! My Mom was holding her so we could walk out the door. She would not let her follow him, so out of desperation she asked me! She shouted Mama! It felt really good to have her jump into my arms and call me Mama! Juergen cried! I knew she was just using me, but I let her come with us. Of course she would not let me hold her or even look at her the second we walked out the door!
This afternoon we all went swimming. Jessica has hardly had a chance to leave the hotel in the past two days. She loves to have Juergen throw her around in the pool, but Sarah just would not allow anyone else to hold her, even for two seconds! Juergen took her upstairs to stay with Grandma. She was mad at Mom for not letting her go with Juergen in the morning. She wouldn't calm down for Mom...that is until I returned from the pool with Jessica. Then it was Grandma hold me! Grandma save me from that wicked crazy lady who thinks she is my Mom! Anyone, even Jessica would be better then Mom!
We had originally planned to have Juergen stay with Sarah tonight so I could take Mom and the kids to the circus. Because Sarah will not let go of Juergen, we felt we must have him leave tonight. They are gone now! Sarah had a fit! She walked from window to window crying for him. She would not let me near her to comfort her. All I could say was Sarah I am sorry, Papa will come back. It's OK. But she didn't even want to hear my ugly voice. She kept shouting at me in Chinese. I don't know exactly what she said, but I'm sure it was go away, I do not want you. I sat her on the toilet, under great protest and placed her in her sleeper. She clung to her coat and shoes, so preyed them out of her hands and actually put them on her too. She was very tired. She placed herself in bed. I was not allowed to come near her. She stared out the window that looks down to the street, and she fell asleep. I'm sure she will not be angry at Juergen for leaving her. She will probably blame me for sending him away! I've heard a great number of stories about children attaching themselves to one parent and rejecting the other parent. The situation generally resolves its self in time. I am sure Sarah will also learn to love me. We have had her one whole week now. It has been one of the worst weeks of my life! I have been Sarah's punching bag while Juergen got to be her teddy bear! He says he wishes the shoe was on the other foot. I'm sure this is not true! I don't honestly think he could handle this rejection, he is far to sensitive! I often wonder (especially lately) how God handles the rejection of so many of those he lovingly created? I guess he knows the future, and waits for the day we come to Him not out of a desire to manipulate or use him, but freely and in love! I wait for this day, and I am very sure that one hug will be worth every miserable moment I have experienced. Again Sarah sleeps sweetly. She is clinging to her cloths, and probably dreaming of my dream man. I must say, she has very good taste in men! Very Very good taste!!!

Today was very emotional, and I'm very very tired. I took Nicole and Jessica for a long taxi ride around Shanghai. It is a very cool city, especially at night! I made the mistake of blowing up at Juergen (in front of Sarah). After all I have been through today, Sarah was following Juergen around like a puppy holding on to his hand, and he let her! The point (and it was messy because I'm an emotional mess) was you should not allow her to do this! If she has to attach herself to someone, let it be my Mom. She is going to Guangzhou and Juergen isn't! Juergen and I took a long drive in a taxi, and let my Mom put Sarah to bed. She only cried 30 seconds when he left, and she went to bed great for Grandma. The reality is it's not Juergen or Mom that she has the problem with, it's me! I am trying to take over the role of her Mom, and she doesn't have room in her heart for a new Mom. She loved her nanny; she doesn't want to accept a new mom! In the church I grew up in, if a pastor dies, or leaves the denomination sends in a transitional pastor. This person takes the grief and loss of the church. If people want to compare him to the old guy, it doesn't matter...he is just transitional! Juergen and I think Sarah doesn't want parents just yet! She just wants a transitional care taker! We are going to let Mom be this person. In the mean time, I'm going to stop being emotional around Sarah. I'm going to try to calmly wait until she is ready to invite me in. I think I have allot more peace because my Mom is going to be Switzerland, and all warring parties can call an end to the present conflict! I hope we can just relax and enjoy tomorrow! We need a good day!

Well as the song in the play little orphan Annie goes, "yesterday was plain awful"! I hope with all my heart I will be able to write "that was yesterday" ! Today was awful for me. Sarah went to Philip and she gladly went to my Mom (for this I am grateful). She continues to snub me. I am really clueless what I should do. Your letters of encouragement bless me more then I can say! I am with out any strength. I can not hide my sadness. I know everything will improve, The sun will come out tomorrow...but for me the sky is still very dark. Juergen lost my camera in the taxi. This also hurts...I loved my camera! I thank God I had already downloaded the photos from the orphanage, it would have killed me to lose those!

Sarah woke up very angry. She was very mad that it was me and not Juergen in the bed next to her. Juergen and I took her to the food store around the corner. She calmed down when we were outside. Juergen and I decided that he should leave for the day. Somehow Sarah needs to learn she has two parents she can trust. It's painful for her to go through this process but I just can not have her screaming like this on the airplane. Juergen took my Mom, Nicole, and Thomas out to see Shanghai. They took a rented cell phone (the panda phone). I will let them know when it's OK to come home. She has been angry for nearly 3 hours, but not really crying or paniced. She is very strong willed, and she is very determined not to accept me. I keep very calm towards her. Philip is here, and I've been blowing bubbles and drawing on the magnadoodel with him. She refused lunch but eat a few crackers and took a drink from me. I put her down for a nap. She got up and put her shoes on. She sat next to the door, but looked so tired. I had Philip give her a pillow. She refussed it and got up to go to bed. She got upset when I came in to give her a drink.I left the room and she cried pretty loud,and began to panic. I don't think she has ever slept alone before. I came in and held her. She actually looked me in the face and talked to me. She decide to sleep with Philip who was laying down in the extra bed in the living room. I of course said OK. She crawled into bed. I tucked her in, and kissed Philip and her good nap. She is asleep right now. Hopefully I can get her to play with Philip and I this afternoon. Then I will let Juergen come home! I'm so desperate, I may need to have him check into another room for a night. Sarah may need the time. We are making progress. I'm sorry if this whole drama sours some people on adoption. Half the Sky started a new Nanny program in Sarah's orphanage about 6 months ago. Before then she did not have a special nanny. Over the past 6 months she has had one nanny all to herself. She has grown very attached to this women. She probably has decided it would be disloyal to attach herself to me. Juergen is her first daddy. He had no shoes to fill! I wanted to cry earlier in the week (and did cry) because her rejection was so strong and mean. Now she is only angry, and this is really much easier to deal with the grief!
I am happy for Juergen because he actually gets a break from this drama! I'm also happy for Nicole and Thomas because they finally get to see some of China, and their daddy! I would take a picture of Sarah and Philip, but Juergen has the camera. Kids are always angles when they sleep. It is a sweet sight.
My hands are still in allot of pain from the fall I took. Jessica is a little sick, and doesn't seem to mind spending the day in her room. Juergen has a tooth ache, and is also getting an ear infection. I guess I'm just asking everyone to please continue to pray for us. I never fail to thank my God for the grace that has been given us as a result of the prayers of many!

We are now in Shanghai. We spend the weekend here and on Tuesday I kidnap my new daughter and take her to Guangzhou to finish the American citizenship paperwork, while a sad and tired (very abused and overworked ) Juergen takes our other calm and loving children back to Germany to escape their new charming little sister( I mean return to school). Actually I think we have moved past the grief, and now we are just dealing with a controlling and demanding little tyrant (a cute terrorist, but a terrorist). Poor girl, her parents adhere to the American philosophy, we do not negotiate with terrorists! Tonight we tried to feed Sarah together. She refused the food! I gave Juergen a bite, offered Sarah a bite, and then eat a bite. I gave Juergen a bite, offered a very stubborn Sarah a bite, then eat a bite. The plate got more and more empty. She could not believe we would not cave in to her demands. The food was gone (believe me, I'm not going to starve her).I later offered her food again and this time she accepted some! We picked her up and took her to the toilet. Again she shoved me away. Juergen and I are certain it is not fear and sadness driving this behavior now, it's a need to totally control Juergen. She treats him like a dog. she snaps an order and expects him to roll over! All the kids and Mommy are getting sick of it. We also decided that I do not want to deal with a hysterical child screaming bloody murder on the airplane Tuesday morning. I put Sarah to bed alone. I held her, not too tight. I talked to her. She cried for only 30 seconds. Then she got angry and hit me, and started to demand that Juergen come. He was strong, and stayed away. She continued to demand he come in the most authoritative manner! She sure is a strong personality. She barked orders at the door just like a little princess (Sarah means princess)! I kept telling her firmly no! I am the Mama! When she refused to look at me, I would tickle her knees. She got really mad and looked at me in the eyes and said no! Then, when she made eye contact I would tell her again I am the mama! She was not sad at all, or panicked. She was angry that her new slave would not come! Finally, I layed her down on the pillow and she fell asleep in about one minute.
I would not push her if I felt she was still grieving. I also would not push this if I did not need to travel alone with her to Guangzhou (actually with my Mom who she also rejects). I'm not mean or abusive. I am firm and trying to be clear. She is more intelligent then you can imagine! She speaks fluent Mandarin. She tries to reason like a genius! I held her and prayed out loud, asking God to take authority over our situation. He is the boss, not Sarah. She is missing out on a whole family by trying to control her daddy! I get to sleep with Sarah tonight. She is a very good sleeper. The real test will come tomorrow morning, when she wakes up and realizes daddy is not there, and she is stuck with me! She is stuck with me... and I'm pretty sure I'm gong to like her as soon as she learns who is boss! She is so amazingly smart! She is also very loyal, and I bet she can even be charming if she sets her mind to it!

It's my sister Shelley's birthday (April 12Th) so happy birthday Shelley! Sorry I did not call, I'm having some Internet problems.
Sarah continues to cry when she sees me. She is also sad with Juergen, but will at least go to him. I cried a river last night,after she slept. It is very painful to see her so sad, and also painful to be treated so meanly. Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement on the guestbook. I may not be able to read my blog until I go home, but the guestbook comments really build me up. You are all so wonderful.
Today we travel back to Shanghai. I am sorry we had to spend so much time in the Nanjing hotel. The city is really wonderful, and I would have loved to see more. Our guide Michael was world class! He is really worth so much more then we could ever pay him without corrupting him! The swimming pool at the Mandarin Garden hotel was very cold. The boys only used it once. We are all looking forward to the warm pool in Shanghai, and maybe a better weekend!

I spent a few hour at the Nanjing orphanage this morning. It's a very clean and well run place. The Nanny's are wonderful and clearly love the kids. I managed to get photos and even video of all the kids on my list (13 kids). I'm working on a photo album, and I will download the video when I return home to Germany. The connection to the Internet was too slow. The kids are all beautiful and I praise God I was allowed to photograph each one! I don't have the name to face connection, so if you are one of the waiting parents we will have to figure out who belongs to who later. Sarah still gives me the cold shoulder but I'm not so uptight about that today. She seems sad even with Juergen.I think she is just processing grief. I won't take it personally!

This afternoon we went to the Nanjing zoo and the old city wall. I took loads of pictures, but then my batteries went dead on my camera. I need to charge the battery or I can not download the pictures.
Sarah continues to cling to Juergen and she will not allow me to touch her without crying. It's very very hard, but I'm just trying to focus on the other kids, and I'm basically ignoring little miss sunshine!!! A few times today Juergen and I forced her to sit next to me on the van, and allow me to carry her. She screamed bloody murder. I just held her and held her until she calmed down. When she relaxed, I let her go. She does not, does not want to trust me! We passed a butterfly house near the exit of the zoo. First mom said "Look Amy! Butterflies", I said "yes, OK I see it". Then Juergen said "Look Amy! Butterflies", I said I've had enough butterflies today! I would like to forget her today, and try again tomorrow! I had enough rejection for today. A person can only take so much! Juergen went home with the kids and the driver. I went with Mom, and our guide to ride the subway into the town center. I wanted to buy a Starbucks Nanjing cup, and shop for baby cloths (for the orphanage) at WalMart. I am going with my Mom and Nicole to visit the orphanage in the morning. We are not going to take Sarah back because she is just too shaken up. Tonight Juergen and I gave her a bath. She cried because I was in the room. I just kept handing her toys. She rejected them! Then Juergen held her while I rubbed lotion on her dry skin. She actually loves the lotion, but protested it being applied by the big old monster (me)!
I had a very good day seeing Nanjing. It is an amazing place. I enjoyed my time with Jessica and my Mom. I'm amazed at how big and modern it is! The rejection is very hard for me to take, and it's also hard on Juergen. He is very tired! She is very demanding, an he is getting tired of it! Someone on our guest book reminded me to pray! I can not read you blog comments, but I read the guest book! Thank you for your advice. I really want to cry! I am not super human, and her rejection is very very mean! Only God can give me the self control, wisdom, and love to overcome this coldness. I hope you will also pray for her. It is so hard for her to bond to so many people. She seems to reject all the women in our group. I guess if her Nanny's could give her away, why should she accept another woman? God can cause her to soften her heart towards me... I am the best friend she could ever have. If she only knew how I fought for her... and how I fight for her still!
Tomorrow at 9 am I will leave for the orphanage (God willing). I have a very large list of names (12 names) of waiting kids. I really hope I can take a photo of each child. I will not know until they allow me to take the photos. Believe me, I hope and pray they will allow it! I remember how special each and every photo was to me while I waited! I'm so grateful to every traveling family who gave me these special treasures! I know Sarah will get past this coldness. Everything is so confusing for her. None of this sours me on our future together! This is not a place to stop, just a thing to pass through. I hope I can deliver new photos to each family on my list. I will rejoice with you!!!

The past 24 hours were very hard for me. Sarah is rejecting everyone but Juergen She is very shaken. She saw her nanny again, and then another woman we think was a teacher from the children’s home stopped her on the street and began talking with her. She will not come to me. She cries for Juergen even when he closes the door to use the toilet. She has diarrhea very bad. She doesn’t feel very good. I am trying not to take the rejection too seriously. Both boys did the same thing. It isn’t easy, but I understand how hard this is for her. We are making her accept food only from me. She doesn’t like this at all. She is very stubborn. Still, hunger is stronger then pride. She will eat with great protest! Her body language is very clear. She turns from me in the elevator. She clings to Juergen. She gives me dirty looks, like she absolutely will not like me! I think this kind of behavior would just kill a first time parent. Believe me, I do not love it. I basically try to put my own emotions on a shelf. I am sweet and kind to her. I let her have Juergen. I am spending time with the other kids. When she wants to eat, I feed her. When she eats I praise her. The rest of the time, I act like I do not notice her rejection, I try to act normal. This isn’t easy, and I hate it, but I’ve done this before. I know what to do. I figure she will have to accept me when Juergen goes back to Germany. If she doesn’t accept me, I guess it will be like forcing medicine down a kids throat. Not fun, but you do what you have to do!
Yesterday I fell and had to go to the hospital. I got an x-ray. Thank God nothing is broken. I’m very sore, but much better today. When I have more time I will write more about the hospital that was interesting! We go to a park soon. Mom and I took Jessica out for a long walk this morning. We had a great time! Here are some photos from our walk.