I had nightmares all night. I woke up at 4:30 and went and cried on my Mom's shoulder. I can not tell you how thankful I am that she is here with us. I never imagined I would need her like I do. I prayed this morning, I pray all the time. It is so clear to me I am not alone. I feel like I am carrying the bulk of this trail, but I am not alone. My hands still feel a great deal of pain. It's actually funny that it's both my hands. It makes me think of Moses in the wilderness. His arms got weak, and he needed others to lift his hands up for him. As long as his hands were raised up, Israel won the battle. When he lowered his hands the battle would turn agents them. He needed people to stand by him. Thank you for helping me fight this battle by praying for me. I am also grateful that Juergen stands next to me. It has been so stressful for us, but we are not divided. My mom will continue with me as I take Sarah to Guangzhou. I am also thinking of taking Nicole (my very noble and wonderful friend and daughter). On the one hand she is just a girl (only 13 years old) and I am afraid it will be stressful for her. Her school is very hard, but it's a private school and we think her director will give her a few extra days. The other kids attend public school, and it is not possible for them to stay. Sarah's real problem seems to be me. They said I would be her mother. She doesn't want to have me forced upon her. I think tomorrow will be very hard. We will probably need to rip her from Juergens arms. I don't think she will come to me...but she is willing to go to grandma and probably even Nicole. It kills me, but I can not force myself upon her. I want to make it as easy on her as I can.
This morning we went to the Germany embassy to try to get a visitor visa for Sarah. It did not work. They would not give us a visa. Now I need to come to the USA. I fly back to Frankfurt on Saturday night. I will not be allowed to leave the airport. I will need to find a connecting flight to Oregon. I am so tired , and it is nearly impossible for Juergen and I to hide our stress. Sarah is a wreck. She follows Juergen around the apartment panicked! I have a legal right to take this child, but she has not given me permission to take her. We will have our guide try to explain to her what is about to take place. How do you explain to a four year old her new daddy is about to be ripped away from her side and she will need to fly to the other end of China for a few days, and then to Germany and then the USA? Someone explain it to me?